Sarcasm is hurtful.

I was told I was mean-spirited today and it really hit home. I checked my motives and in essence I was wrong; I promptly admitted it. The misconstrued perception of sarcasm in a text message can be perceived in so many ways and the illicit typically supersedes the intended projection. Why is this so? I have no idea but seeing it unravel in multiple conversations recently has given me an opportunity to take responsibility for my actions and in doing so change future ones.

Hearing that being said to me definitely put me in a sour place. It created this sense of uneasiness internally that I object to wanting to feel. Am I really mean-spirited? Or does my sarcasm get the best of me? I take light of many situations and try to get people to laugh regardless of the circumstances. I use it as a way to demonstrate my sense of humor. However, time and time again I’m seeing my sarcasm be taken out of context and in return hurt the other party.

Adversity creates opportunity. Being aware of things like this today creates opportunity to change my behavior into something I’d like to be done onto me. If I treat someone with dignity and respect, I may just get dignity and respect in return. If I don’t, I can accept that I’m in a different place than that person is. I can only control how I respond or react to someone or something. Trying to control outcomes and circumstances creates an opportunity to drink. I’ve turned my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him. Doing so has allowed me to takes things for what they are and change the things I have the power to change.

I’m sure many of you have heard the Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Accepting this was probably the easiest thing I’ve ever done but following it hasn’t. I try and practice this in all of my affairs but at times I don’t even think twice about it. I’m not too keen on praying but I’m starting to see the power of prayer work in my life.

The Dalai Lama said, “If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.” This quote has resonated with me for a very long time. When I saw that I was being perceived as mean-spirited, my subconscious memory brought this to my attention. My playful sarcasm hurt someone today and it made me sick to my stomach. I do not want to harm anyone or anything if I have the power to do so. I can only see this as an opportunity to change my future actions in how I respond or react in a sarcastic manner.

Today, I have 90 days clean and sober. This is a remarkable achievement for me because for the last 7 months I have been plagued with relapse. In the past year I have had stints of 152, 45, 33, and 50 days. This is the 2^nd time where I have had 90 days but I have done so much more work than I have done in those days combined. Something is different today and I can feel it. Other people can see it but I can feel it. It’s the most amazing feeling I have experienced thus far in my life. Being stuck in the bondage of self for so long has created many obstacles that still lie in front of me. However, being sober allows me to challenge those obstacles as opposed to being stuck in my active addiction and only adding more obstacles to overcome.

My daily reprieve allows it to be possible. I remember at day 4 of this attempt of sobriety, I was ready to die an addict death. I didn’t want to live anymore and I didn’t think anything was going to work for me. I thought I was unconstitutionally incapable of being honest with myself. I was so ready to run. However, something inside of me switched on when someone said, “Are you going to rise to the occasion? Or are you going to keel over and be a statistic?” I chose the former only to soon realize that I was also choosing the latter. I will be a statistic but if I continue to do what I’m doing then it will be a successful ending as opposed to the other hopeless cases. I miss you Danny, Josh, and Brent. You give me motivation day in and day out to fight this disease.