I never thought Alcoholics Anonymous would work for me
simply because it wasn’t my idea to begin with. Being close-minded to everyone
and everything really deterred my recovery from blossoming into anything worth
something. Conferring to logical and analytical answers for any sort of
question thrown my way was the only way I knew how to conclude to anything. If
your answer didn’t coincide with my thinking, I immediately disregarded it.
A.A. was no exception. The first time I looked at the steps,
I saw the word God and said to myself, “Oh great, another religious cult.” I
didn’t want anything to do with anything that associated itself with religion
or a belief in God. If you came to me and I had any inclination that you were
associated with that fearful three letter word, I would instantaneously walk
away in whatever direction was opposite of the way you were going. Eventually I
started to realize that this way of thinking kept me in the oblivion of my
heroin addiction.
Not only did I start to become aware that this fear-induced
way of thinking was controlling my actions and thinking, but I knew I would in
due course have to take contrary action; that contrary action being a new way
of thinking directing new behaviors. I’m not going to lie; this scared the shit
out of me.
I had a moment of clarity when I consciously and maybe even subconsciously
decided to cease fighting everyone and everything. I stopped asking ‘Why?’ I
didn’t want to be labeled as the one that is considered an unfortunate; one
that is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. I knew I
had the ability to do whatever I put my mind to but it just had to be guided spiritually
by a power outside of myself.
I do not preach God nor do I believe in God. However, I do
believe that there is a power outside of myself that is greater than me. I can’t
comprehend it. I just know that ever since I turned my will and my life over to
the care of it, good things started to happen. Not only that but they continue
to happen. I don’t sit in self-pity when something doesn’t go my way. I tell
myself that this is exactly what needed to happen.
Do things always go my way? No. The difference today is I do
not get upset if this is the case. I don’t get angry because something didn’t
work out for me the way I wanted it to. Anger is but a mask for fear.
I came into this program originally an atheist. To even
mention the word God or consider something all-encompassing or controlling is a
huge feat for me. Once I gave into the fact that my way of thinking got me
exactly where I am at today is the first time I saw hope. This occurred when I
read the following:
“Who am I to say there is no God.”
Think about it.
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