Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth; just not in your spoon.

I have a tendency to share at meetings and I don’t know why. I’m starting to notice that it takes more energy being a mute than it is to just be myself. I suffer from copious amounts of social anxiety; hence why my face gets extremely red each and every time I speak in a volume setting. Who am I kidding, even in smaller circles I blush like crazy. People notice too; and they aren’t shy to point it out which makes me turn even more red. It’s alright though. Sharing in meetings allows me the opportunity to overcome my fear of public speaking.

When I first entered the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, my old sponsor had said, “Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth; just not in your spoon.” He wanted me to sit down, shut up, and listen. However, eventually he told me to start sharing as to overcome the anxiety I was experiencing whenever a brief thought of doing so would occur. I told him I didn’t really know what to say at times and that I have a fear of not being understood or being seen as a quote unquote ‘dumb-ass.’ I don’t know why but I need to project myself to anyone and everyone as someone that is intelligent so I won’t be seen as a weakness. His response? “Share from your heart, not your thinking.”

How in the hell am I supposed to do that? My heart doesn’t conjure thoughts nor does it have the capacity to do so. It doesn’t have a mind of its own. It doesn’t have a conscious and subconscious memory to pick apart and analyze each and every sentence that I may or may not say. However, the first time I attempted doing what he suggested the words just sort of flowed out of my mouth with little or no anxiety involved.

The more I share the easier it gets. It’s always a practice and sometimes I may sound like a dumbass, but it doesn’t matter because I don’t take things personal anymore. What I say might save another person’s life and it is helping me save mine by sharing my experience, strength, and hope. I’ve started to notice that multiple people come up to me after meetings and thank me for my share. The other night an older woman came up to me and said that the things I say inspire her. It feels so amazing to know that such minute words can have such a large impact on someone.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not boasting about any of this. I am simply expressing how what I am doing for myself that I see as a necessity to stay alive is helping someone else in their recovery as well. I am only giving back what was freely given to me. I’m sharing for selfish reasons and am being selfless in doing so. My previous thinking would only revolve completely around selfish motives.

I don’t know what it was but my thinking got me exactly where I am at today. I can think myself to death but I can never speak myself to death (well I guess that depends on who I’m talking to and what I am saying.) Joking aside, I am actually excited to share at meetings as opposed to dreading the thought of actually sharing. If I can help only one person with what I have to say then I have done my job.