Sarcasm is hurtful.

I was told I was mean-spirited today and it really hit home. I checked my motives and in essence I was wrong; I promptly admitted it. The misconstrued perception of sarcasm in a text message can be perceived in so many ways and the illicit typically supersedes the intended projection. Why is this so? I have no idea but seeing it unravel in multiple conversations recently has given me an opportunity to take responsibility for my actions and in doing so change future ones.

Hearing that being said to me definitely put me in a sour place. It created this sense of uneasiness internally that I object to wanting to feel. Am I really mean-spirited? Or does my sarcasm get the best of me? I take light of many situations and try to get people to laugh regardless of the circumstances. I use it as a way to demonstrate my sense of humor. However, time and time again I’m seeing my sarcasm be taken out of context and in return hurt the other party.

Adversity creates opportunity. Being aware of things like this today creates opportunity to change my behavior into something I’d like to be done onto me. If I treat someone with dignity and respect, I may just get dignity and respect in return. If I don’t, I can accept that I’m in a different place than that person is. I can only control how I respond or react to someone or something. Trying to control outcomes and circumstances creates an opportunity to drink. I’ve turned my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him. Doing so has allowed me to takes things for what they are and change the things I have the power to change.

I’m sure many of you have heard the Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Accepting this was probably the easiest thing I’ve ever done but following it hasn’t. I try and practice this in all of my affairs but at times I don’t even think twice about it. I’m not too keen on praying but I’m starting to see the power of prayer work in my life.

The Dalai Lama said, “If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.” This quote has resonated with me for a very long time. When I saw that I was being perceived as mean-spirited, my subconscious memory brought this to my attention. My playful sarcasm hurt someone today and it made me sick to my stomach. I do not want to harm anyone or anything if I have the power to do so. I can only see this as an opportunity to change my future actions in how I respond or react in a sarcastic manner.

Today, I have 90 days clean and sober. This is a remarkable achievement for me because for the last 7 months I have been plagued with relapse. In the past year I have had stints of 152, 45, 33, and 50 days. This is the 2^nd time where I have had 90 days but I have done so much more work than I have done in those days combined. Something is different today and I can feel it. Other people can see it but I can feel it. It’s the most amazing feeling I have experienced thus far in my life. Being stuck in the bondage of self for so long has created many obstacles that still lie in front of me. However, being sober allows me to challenge those obstacles as opposed to being stuck in my active addiction and only adding more obstacles to overcome.

My daily reprieve allows it to be possible. I remember at day 4 of this attempt of sobriety, I was ready to die an addict death. I didn’t want to live anymore and I didn’t think anything was going to work for me. I thought I was unconstitutionally incapable of being honest with myself. I was so ready to run. However, something inside of me switched on when someone said, “Are you going to rise to the occasion? Or are you going to keel over and be a statistic?” I chose the former only to soon realize that I was also choosing the latter. I will be a statistic but if I continue to do what I’m doing then it will be a successful ending as opposed to the other hopeless cases. I miss you Danny, Josh, and Brent. You give me motivation day in and day out to fight this disease.

FEAR - Future Events Already Ruined

The greatest enemies to any alcoholic or addict are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear. It’s sad to reflect back on my life and see one thing prevalent besides heroin use; my life being haunted by fear. The joy of life was squeezed out of me mainly because my fear of so many things; failure, success, criticism, rejection, betrayal, loneliness, change, losing a job, and always having the next right thing to say. I was even afraid of dying. But what was the point of that? Me fearing death doesn’t prevent me from dying; it merely prevented me from living.

However, fear isn’t always just fear. It becomes a chameleon that manifests mayhem in my life in the form of anxiety, anger, suspicion, hopelessness, and a myriad of other negative emotions as well. Fear paralyzed me and it built up this impenetrable wall that hindered my progress in every aspect of my life. Death is unavoidable; but overcoming or just facing fear allows me to see who I can actually become before the inevitable happens.

My gravest problems did not stem from heroin use; they instigated from fear. I used heroin to mask the emotional discomfort I felt when dealing (or lack thereof) with my fear. I was never aware of these different forms of fear that I was experiencing. I justified fear as a way to be complacent. I didn’t want to excel at anything or take a chance with something I was unsure about.

I would only do things I knew I would succeed at. For a while, I had a 100% success rate in the things that I would do simply because I knew what the outcome would be before I did it. I was being guided by fear. Fear of success meant more responsibility. Fear of failure meant I didn’t succeed. I was stuck in this never-ending cycle that was amplified by heroin abuse. As long as I was getting high, I was self-satisfied with what I was doing and with what I had going for myself.

Things started to change, however, once I did start becoming aware of these different manifestations of fear. Although I might not have any control over events and circumstances of things that I fear, my anxiety is not part of those events. My fear is the interpretation of the events. Fear derives from my thoughts. Once I started to accept this fact and took responsibility for my thoughts, I began making progress.

I was very adept at disguising my fear as a coping mechanism. However, my awareness allowed me to root them out by way of mindfulness of my thoughts and carefully analyzing them. I can say that I’m afraid of taking on the responsibility of getting a new job but what I’m really saying is I’m afraid of not getting a job.

I’m currently looking for a job and fear overwhelms me at times because I know that having money is a huge trigger for me. Having a job entails money in my bank account. Having money allows me to spend it on recreational fun. Bills? No way. Recreational fun to me was copious amounts of heroin.

My paychecks were engaged to heroin. Anything I would get would go to my addiction and I was OK with that. I had no other choice. Being not only mentally but physically addicted to heroin is no way to live life. I know so many people that run their lives into the ground (myself included) just because the fear of withdrawal.

I attempted to quit so many times but the withdrawal (the cold sweats, the restless legs, the overwhelming anxiety, the insomnia, the vomiting) was too much to bear. It would result in me doing even more heroin. Did I want to? No. But I did what I had to do to feel quote unquote normal.

Fear is no way to live life. I used to live life by this acronym of fear, “Fuck Everything And Run,” but now I get to live life by, “Face Everything And Recover.” For that I am grateful. Tomorrow I will have 90 days and for that to even be possible is a miracle. I enjoy life now because I accept the feeling of discomfort. One day at a time.

Cease fighting everyone and everything.

Defiance

1. The act or an example of defying; bold resistance to an opposing force or authority.

2. Intentionally contemptuous behavior or attitude; readiness to contend or resist.

Fuck you…fuck you…you’re cool…fuck you. That is how I viewed everything in life; people, places, things, and principles. If I didn’t think it was “cool” then I didn’t want anything to do with it. If you had an ego bigger than mine we just couldn’t be friends. The funny thing is, though, I followed the rules.

Following the rules allows me to fly under the radar. It lets me give off the perception that I am doing the “right” thing and it allows me to manipulate you to the extreme. If manipulation was a sport, I’d be the MVP of the All-Star game. Being the compliant client in rehab allowed me to get away with a lot of things that I would otherwise have to do on a normal basis. It, however, didn’t get me sobriety.

My attitude of defiance permeated into many parts of my recovery. The role that defiance plays in my life serves me in many ways: and mostly in counterproductive ways to my goal of being in recovery. It has been extremely difficult deflating my ego to a point where a humble approach to life is becoming the norm. Defiance is relatively easy to identify from an outside perspective, however it is far more difficult for someone to recognize it in him or herself.

Defiance hindered my ability to stay sober in so many ways all because I wanted to turn my eye away from it. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was being defiant. I wanted to argue with you or whatever principle you were enforcing just because I could. I didn’t want to concede my sense of identity of being a rebel to the one lone fact that was stalling my recovery in so many ways.

Being a rebel in rehab was what I loved to do. It wasn’t until someone said to me that instead of using my energy and influence on movements that hamper not only my recovery but others as well, use it for a worthy cause. People look up to me and follow my lead. I was leading so many people in the wrong direction that once this person told me this, what I was doing didn’t fully resonate with me.

I’m beginning to enter a new echelon in my recovery where defiance doesn’t play an integral role in my life. I can’t say I adhere to this abstinently, but I do recognize and am aware of when I am being defiant. This is huge for me.

Today, I cease fighting everyone and everything. It’s better for me to be happy than right. So many things can create obstacles in my recovery if I let my defiant ways guide me. Defiance leads to another shot of heroin in my arm. I have plenty of relapses in me but I don’t know if I have another recovery in me.

Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth; just not in your spoon.

I have a tendency to share at meetings and I don’t know why. I’m starting to notice that it takes more energy being a mute than it is to just be myself. I suffer from copious amounts of social anxiety; hence why my face gets extremely red each and every time I speak in a volume setting. Who am I kidding, even in smaller circles I blush like crazy. People notice too; and they aren’t shy to point it out which makes me turn even more red. It’s alright though. Sharing in meetings allows me the opportunity to overcome my fear of public speaking.

When I first entered the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, my old sponsor had said, “Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth; just not in your spoon.” He wanted me to sit down, shut up, and listen. However, eventually he told me to start sharing as to overcome the anxiety I was experiencing whenever a brief thought of doing so would occur. I told him I didn’t really know what to say at times and that I have a fear of not being understood or being seen as a quote unquote ‘dumb-ass.’ I don’t know why but I need to project myself to anyone and everyone as someone that is intelligent so I won’t be seen as a weakness. His response? “Share from your heart, not your thinking.”

How in the hell am I supposed to do that? My heart doesn’t conjure thoughts nor does it have the capacity to do so. It doesn’t have a mind of its own. It doesn’t have a conscious and subconscious memory to pick apart and analyze each and every sentence that I may or may not say. However, the first time I attempted doing what he suggested the words just sort of flowed out of my mouth with little or no anxiety involved.

The more I share the easier it gets. It’s always a practice and sometimes I may sound like a dumbass, but it doesn’t matter because I don’t take things personal anymore. What I say might save another person’s life and it is helping me save mine by sharing my experience, strength, and hope. I’ve started to notice that multiple people come up to me after meetings and thank me for my share. The other night an older woman came up to me and said that the things I say inspire her. It feels so amazing to know that such minute words can have such a large impact on someone.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not boasting about any of this. I am simply expressing how what I am doing for myself that I see as a necessity to stay alive is helping someone else in their recovery as well. I am only giving back what was freely given to me. I’m sharing for selfish reasons and am being selfless in doing so. My previous thinking would only revolve completely around selfish motives.

I don’t know what it was but my thinking got me exactly where I am at today. I can think myself to death but I can never speak myself to death (well I guess that depends on who I’m talking to and what I am saying.) Joking aside, I am actually excited to share at meetings as opposed to dreading the thought of actually sharing. If I can help only one person with what I have to say then I have done my job.

GUT - God's Undeniable Truths

The other day I invited my sponsor over to watch the Miami Heat-Boston Celtics game. Him being from the east coast and an avid Celtics fan, I knew I had my hands full when inviting him over. If you know anything about me, I am very passionate about my teams. I’m very passionate with everything I do. Sitting down and watching a game is such an amazing feeling; at least before the game begins.

See, if you’re anything like me then yelling at the TV when things don’t go my team’s way is the norm thing to do. I need to express myself vocally and in the process be as loud as possible. It includes me jumping out of my seat and pointing at my TV or pacing back and forth in the living room.

The Celtics were up by 17 and I had this feeling in my gut that Miami would prevail again. I had little doubt they would pull off the victory. That might be my biased feeling but I never give up on my teams (well I would if I were a Clippers fan.) At this moment one of my roommates bet me $10 that Boston would end up winning. I knew he was thinking he was pulling a fast one on me solely because if you know nothing about the Miami Heat then a 17 point lead with 2 quarters to go looks like an insurmountable lead. Little did he know that the Heat are a force to be reckoned with in the final 2 quarters of any game.

My gut feeling told me to take the bet and it also told me that the Miami Heat were going to pull this one out. I took the bet and all of a sudden an extreme sense of anxiety overwhelmed me. I was already feeling apprehensive because of the possibility that their 22-game winning streak was in jeopardy. Now the only money I had in my pocket was on the line too.

In my active addiction, I never went with my gut feeling. I would go on what my stinking thinking told me to do. For example, when I was in Austin, TX at Austin Recovery Center I was presented with a situation that I knew would get me discharged. I was sitting back playing the guitar and all of a sudden there is a knock on the window. Earlier in the night, my roommate and I had deviously conjured up a plan to sneak into the girl’s dormitory across campus. Recovery was working in my life because before we put the plan in motion, we ran the idea by our other rehab buddies. They told us, “Don’t do it. You will get kicked out.” I would never run ideas by anyone else because I knew they would get shot down. And then someone else would know about the crazy shit that I was getting myself into.

Anyway, we decide to not sneak over there in spite of our self-will telling us to do otherwise. When I heard the knock I knew exactly what and who it was. My stomach immediately went into knots and my entire body sort of went into panic mode. I knew I was about to be faced with a dilemma that would change my current course of action. If only I would have listened to my gut feeling.

Long story short, we ended up sneaking over there and after spending way too much time over there, we were caught. Not only were we caught, but we were discharged the following afternoon. My gut feeling told me not to do it but I acted on it anyways. This happened frequently in my addiction because heroin was the guiding force in all of my actions. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t Cameron. I don’t have to be defined by what I did in my addiction but I do have to take responsibility for it. I am not responsible for addiction but I am responsible for my recovery.

Progress not perfection.

I feel as if there is a fine line in trying to be productive and actually being productive. I recently woke up from a nap because that’s what people in my situation do rather frequently (If they don’t then I obviously haven’t got the memo yet.) I’m sitting here thinking of a topic to write on because my coffee hasn’t kicked in yet. Lo and behold I look for outside help in kick starting something inside of me that is dying to escape from my inner self. Knowledge is meant to be shared and if I can reach at least one person then I have successfully done my job.

I mentioned this before in one of my previous posts, but I rarely reached out for help during my earlier attempts at recovery. I would set myself up with solid contacts in people that I could call if shit went south but I would never act on those safety nets I had set up. What it really came down to each and every time though was my desire to get loaded on heroin was stronger than wanting to stay clean.

Contrary action that I’m exhibiting today is I am actually reaching out to my sober support network of people that I have developed relationships with. Even people that I rarely talk to or see still have lent a helping hand when needed. That’s the luxury of this program; people are always there for you regardless but only if you let them be. The rooms of A.A. are the only place where the Harvard graduate has something in common with a parole that has spent the last 10 years in prison. We come from all walks of life and this bond we have is stronger than anything.

What I am trying to get at is the cliché ‘progress not perfection,’ is a way of life that should be respected in all aspects of life. Love. Purity. Honesty. Selflessness. Absolutes of all are nearly unattainable but striving to be perfect in all of them is something to be said.

In the beginning of my attempt to get clean and sober, I isolated myself from everyone and didn’t reach out to anyone in the meetings. Little did I know, going to the meetings was the first step to the progress that I would later become aware of. Slowly but surely every time I came back to the rooms after a relapse, people would notice. They put themselves out there for me to take advantage of. Did I? Nope.

However, I did start noticing a change in my behavior. I started surrounding myself with people with good recovery. We are told to not judge people in the rooms of A.A. and then five minutes later we are told to stick with the ‘Winners.’

I kept taking chances and the progress I was making was that I went from isolation to actually engaging with everyone. I hold the greeter commitment at three of my meetings which allows me to meet everyone that comes into the meeting. Would I have done this when I first came into the rooms? Probably not. Yet I am doing something today that I wasn’t doing when I first got here. I progressed to where I am at over time. I am far from perfect in doing this but I strive to be.

Perfection implies an end of something. There is no gray area with perfection; only black and white. All or nothing; so to speak. If perfection is my ultimatum then I will most likely never be satisfied. Frustration will always win and the result will be me giving up. The other possibility is that I do actually reach perfection but then become stagnate; complacency is a huge red flag indicator in recovery.

Progress, however, is a different mentality. It implies a process and everything in this world becomes what it is through a process; regardless of what it is. It focuses on the now and not the future. I see progress as celebrating small victories in a large scale war that can never be won. And every victory, whether small or big, is huge for me in my recovery.

I accept imperfection as a way to strive for perfection. I know it will never be attainable and if I do attain it then I must be doing something wrong.

Lucky Charms or Fruit Loops? Hmm....

I was sitting here contemplating if I should do step work or go downstairs and eat a bowl of cereal. As enticing as a bowl of Lucky Charms sounded at that moment, I knew I had to get busy and put pen to paper.

Whenever I want to do something, I shouldn’t do it. Whenever I don’t want to do something, I probably should do it. I’ve been taking that approach to a lot of things that I encounter now and although I can’t say I’ve been perfect I have been doing much better in that respect. In my active addiction, it was always a self-will run riot. No matter what, I did what I wanted to do and that largely accompanied having something to do with heroin.

As I was looking for a blank piece of paper to do some writing I came across something I had written when I first entered my rehab center over 7 months ago. I am a different person than what I was back then. Here is the piece:

What encapsulates my lack of verbal expression towards how I feel or even my hesitance towards having a friendly conversation is my lack of empathy. I’ve been told a countless number of times that I am standoffish; whatever that means. I’m afraid my opinion might be discredited or even offensive; something no one wants to hear. The devil’s advocate so to speak. I’m so caught up with what other people think of me that I use all my energy in preventing them from having the opportunity to form any opinion of me whatsoever. When in reality, all I’m accomplishing is allowing them to formulate a false perception of who I really am. It lets me hide my insecurities and takes whatever focus that would otherwise be on me to someone or something else. My introvert personality plays a major role in this as well.

Drugs have amplified my introvertedness to the point of that I’m unable to express how I feel. From the outside looking in, one could say I’m a very shy person. To an extent this is very true and is solidified by the way I act. I’m afraid to show any sort of weakness. I don’t know how to be personable. I’ve suppressed my thoughts and feelings for so long that I lack the ability to communicate effectively. Isolation physically and mentally is all that I knew at this point in my life; self-taught behavior that should have killed me by now. If I continue down the same path of drug-induced behavior and thinking then that is not that far from fruition. I don’t know how to act any different. My upbringing taught me that if I show weakness then I can be taken advantage of. What I lack to comprehend is that I’m doing the exact opposite by not expressing how I feel. Before I speak I rationalize the consequences of what I’m about to say. What it really boils down to is I attempt to control the power of perception if I limit myself verbally and lack of power is my dilemma.

While I wrote this I surely thought I would be this way my entire life. I was so terrified that drugs had clouded my ability to communicate effectively or even just socialize in a friendly setting. I’m so thankful my true self is slowly but surely coming out the more I work this program.

I think it’s time to get that bowl of Lucky Charms now. Or should I eat Fruit Loops? Tough life choices.

Heroin can only do so much!

Considering what just happened to me I am actually serene internally. Although I am a bit disturbed, I am still clinging onto the hope that my higher power is guiding me spiritually. I can’t control outside forces but I do have the ability to respond or react in a positive manner to a situation however distasteful it might be.

Throughout the day I had a million thoughts running through my head; uncontrollably of course. I kept trying to ground myself by staying busy and active. Meditation this morning helped contribute to the sense of serenity I am currently feeling. I never thought this would be possible. I can only hope that if I continue to do the things I am doing then incidents like these will be as manageable as this situation is right now.

This wasn’t possible two years ago. Any sort of rejection or like thereof would contribute to another ounce of heroin being purchased. Regardless of who or what it was, I hated any sort of feeling that was negative in connotation. Shit, who am I kidding; I even used heroin when I was feeling good in hope that it would make me feel even better. For a time it did but eventually as with every high, it dissipated.

I am glad that I have the coffee commitment tonight at my meeting. I am even more pleased with my sober support network that I have developed in the greater Los Angeles area. I don’t have to walk through anything alone anymore and that is monumental for me. Feeling emotionally abandoned ever since the age of 12 hasn’t been easy. For once in my life do I feel like I have handfuls of people I can go to for any sort of issue and at least a handful of them can shed light on their experience dealing with the same thing.

Using heroin has allowed me to escape the feelings that I am experiencing today. Divulging how I am feeling to another alcoholic or addict has given me the same relief. I never reached out for help emotionally or even physically for that matter, and it contributed to many relapses. Don’t get me wrong; I have no desire or urge to use right now. All I am saying is I am taking contrary action to the events that I am experiencing today that I used to rely on heroin to get me through. And for that I am grateful.

I have to get going to my meeting but I hope you are all enjoying my blog as much as I am!

The truth really will set you free.

Telling the truth and actually getting what you want is an amazing feeling. The sober living I am currently staying at had an impromptu house meeting that usually takes place on Wednesday evenings. Unprepared as I was, anxiety overwhelmed me to the point where my mind started taking me to places I used to excel at. Manipulating the situation to get exactly what I want.

When I say manipulation, it encompasses lying as well. I’m very good at telling you exactly what you need to hear when you need to hear it. I persuade you to make a decision that benefits me without you even knowing it. All the while, I am shaking in my boots internally knowing full well that what I just said was complete bullshit.

I was planning on asking to be the exception to the rule of no overnight passes until your two week trial period has commenced. Numerous ideas started conjuring inside my tiny little head that sounded perfect on paper but were far from being the truth. I started creating false scenarios that might be plausible and then calculated how many other smaller lies I would have to tell to keep whatever scenario I chose hidden to the truth. Immediately I noticed that this was happening and that ‘Good guy’ on my left shoulder started arguing with the ‘Bad guy’ over on my right shoulder.

See, when I was in my addiction and prior to working the steps, this so-called ‘Good guy’ was never around. He would make guest appearances every now and then but for the most part he was non-existent. Now, he continues to just stay. A.A. has a cliché that is well known that states ‘Keep coming back.’ One that counters it is ‘Just stay.’ I am starting to notice that this little ‘Good guy’ is taking the advice of the latter.

I’m OK with that today. If he ever made an appearance during my active addiction it wouldn’t matter because I would disregard whatever right decision was being presented. Wrong was all I knew because heroin makes you not care of the result or consequence. It numbed me from having to feel any sort of guilt, shame, or remorse during those times of action that I now wish I could take back. However, hindsight is without a doubt 20/20. I’m grateful to have gone through all the experiences I have gone through up to this point because they are exactly what I needed to walk through to get to where I’m at today.

Let’s get back to my prolonged story though.

I instantaneously became aware of what my brain was trying to do and that was dive back into old behavior. At this moment, I told myself I would ask for what I wanted to do and my true intentions of why I wanted to do it. The anxiety that I was feeling while deliberating if they would buy any of those false scenarios was lifted.

Without going into much detail, I was granted the exception and in the process grew exponentially. I overcame the fear of asking for what I want without having to lie or manipulate to get it.

Maybe that cliché ‘The truth shall set you free’ does have some truth to it.

The three most dangerous words for an addict: “I’ve been thinking.”

I never thought Alcoholics Anonymous would work for me simply because it wasn’t my idea to begin with. Being close-minded to everyone and everything really deterred my recovery from blossoming into anything worth something. Conferring to logical and analytical answers for any sort of question thrown my way was the only way I knew how to conclude to anything. If your answer didn’t coincide with my thinking, I immediately disregarded it.

A.A. was no exception. The first time I looked at the steps, I saw the word God and said to myself, “Oh great, another religious cult.” I didn’t want anything to do with anything that associated itself with religion or a belief in God. If you came to me and I had any inclination that you were associated with that fearful three letter word, I would instantaneously walk away in whatever direction was opposite of the way you were going. Eventually I started to realize that this way of thinking kept me in the oblivion of my heroin addiction.

Not only did I start to become aware that this fear-induced way of thinking was controlling my actions and thinking, but I knew I would in due course have to take contrary action; that contrary action being a new way of thinking directing new behaviors. I’m not going to lie; this scared the shit out of me.

I had a moment of clarity when I consciously and maybe even subconsciously decided to cease fighting everyone and everything. I stopped asking ‘Why?’ I didn’t want to be labeled as the one that is considered an unfortunate; one that is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. I knew I had the ability to do whatever I put my mind to but it just had to be guided spiritually by a power outside of myself.

I do not preach God nor do I believe in God. However, I do believe that there is a power outside of myself that is greater than me. I can’t comprehend it. I just know that ever since I turned my will and my life over to the care of it, good things started to happen. Not only that but they continue to happen. I don’t sit in self-pity when something doesn’t go my way. I tell myself that this is exactly what needed to happen.

Do things always go my way? No. The difference today is I do not get upset if this is the case. I don’t get angry because something didn’t work out for me the way I wanted it to. Anger is but a mask for fear.

I came into this program originally an atheist. To even mention the word God or consider something all-encompassing or controlling is a huge feat for me. Once I gave into the fact that my way of thinking got me exactly where I am at today is the first time I saw hope. This occurred when I read the following:

“Who am I to say there is no God.”

Think about it.

Trying is what got me high; doing is what keeps me sober.

I had this revelation that occurred to me when I was deliberating what I wanted to eat for lunch today. I was complaining internally that I didn't have anything that was quick and easy to make. Of course I have plenty of things to eat that take time but who wants to spend time cooking a quality meal that is probably much healthier than anything instant I could eat? Not this guy.

I found myself thinking of something I had said one time in a meeting. Alcoholics Anonymous isn't a program for people who want it; it’s not for people who need it; it is for people who just do it. It almost sounds like a bad Nike commercial.

I can want something to eat and possibly need it because I’m desperately famished. Unless I take the time to make my food regardless of how short or long it takes to make it, some sort of action is needed to diminish the hunger that is causing my want and need to eat.

Weird how that works; I eat something and my starvation is cured. My addiction is a daily reprieve and for so long I wanted to get sober. For so long I wanted nothing but to be clean and free from this disease. I didn't want to do the things that were suggested and what I deemed necessary to live a life free from the shackles of heroin. I was stuck in the bondage of self for so long that I forgot what it felt like to be free.

I tried to get clean and sober for over two years. I kept doing the same thing over and over. I would be the compliant client in rehab and look good on the outside. However, nothing was changing on the inside because I wasn't doing anything other than the things that allowed me to float under the radar. I can try all I want but trying to make something to eat doesn't mean I am going to eat. I am not going to stay sober if I just try to work the program the way it is suggested. I must take suggestion as direction and if I am able to do that then I just might have a chance.

By no means am I saying I am cured whatsoever. The moment I think I got it, I’ll probably lose it. I am doing what I need to be doing day in and day out to assure myself that I can at least stay clean just for today. Living in the present is what is contributing to my new found motivation. I can only give credit to the steps working my life today. I’ll save that for another time though.

I still haven’t figured out what I am going to eat for lunch.

My opinion might kill you.

I’ve been asked multiple times why I am so open about my heroin addiction. I have only one answer for this question and that is because what I might say could possibly save another person’s life. Alcoholics Anonymous meetings have given me the opportunity to listen to countless stories about someone’s experience through their active addiction and recovery process; the most important word being ‘experience’.

I talk to or try to talk to my sponsor at least once a day. During the beginning of our relationship I noticed something about the things he would say when I asked him certain questions. At times he was full of knowledge and wisdom and truth be told, wouldn’t shut up. However, there were also times where he had nothing to say. Eventually I asked him why he would rarely shed light on a topic that he hadn’t experienced. He said, “All I can offer you is my experience. My opinion might kill you.”

That statement resonated with me ten-fold. It took me a few seconds to take in exactly what he meant by this but something inside of me lit up. Telling someone what the outcome might be based on personal opinion is just that; opinion. Subjective as they most are, if I don’t have experience with something then the truth that I know may not be in the cards for the person I am projecting it to. This might also be the case with my experience; however, time and time again the same consequences have been apparent in most addicts’ lives that I’ve come in contact with.

My addiction is such a big part of my life that it takes more energy to hide it than to be open about it. I’d rather you know where I am coming from instead of hiding something that reigns significance in my life. Ever since I’ve bombarded Facebook with my posts about my recovery process, people who I have not seen or talked to in years have messaged me in private. Most people congratulate me on what I am attempting to accomplish but there are some too who reach out to me for help or let it be known they have faced the same struggles. This unspoken bond that we addicts have is unexplainable. I sympathize with people who have walked the same path that I am walking. I empathize for those that need to walk through their own path to get to where they need to get.

Think about this. Almost all addicts suppress their feelings and emotions. I’m unmanageable over my feelings and emotions. An emotion is two or more feelings occurring simultaneously. A feeling is just a feeling. Yet these have been the main benefactor that contributed to my using. I’ve developed a desire to express as much as possible with selfish intention and in the process have touched the lives of other people at the same time. So was it really selfish? A.A. has told me that this is a ‘We’ program but in the beginning a very selfish one. I’d like to think that I am crossing this threshold that I once thought was never possible and would never reach. One day at a time.

The hardest thing for me to do is admit complete defeat.

Admitting that I am powerless gives me the power not to use heroin today. Anyone with half a brain could suggest that the former sentence contradicts itself. The first time I heard it it induced the same feeling inside of me. However, I soon later realized I was thinking inside the box when this occurred.

More times than not I had tried to use heroin in a controlled manner. Every time the result was the same; I was using even though I knew negative consequences would ensue. I was using even though it was miserable and not fun anymore. I was using regardless of everything around me was being ruined. I was using even though I knew that at any moment the next time I stuck a needle in my arm it could be my last.

Some people can drink or use with impunity. I cannot. I may have gotten away with my using early on in my career, but it eventually caught up to me since I am what they call a real addict. I invited negative consequences into my life and the disgusting part is that I brought them onto myself. 

It seems paradoxical, but the only way for me to win is to surrender (the definition of this word as defined by the dictionary is to join the winning side) to the cold, hard, sobering truth. I simply cannot use with impunity. My using is unhealthy, dangerous, destructive, and deadly.

It may not resonate with some because of denial. I never met an addict who never experienced denial at one time or another. Addicts have a tendency to lie, minimize, and rationalize their way to another drink or drug. It is not called an addiction for nothing.

Conceding to my innermost self that I was an addict gave me power to change my thinking and my actions. Denial (Don’t even know I am lying) played a huge role in denying me the ability to recognize that drugs were controlling my life. No matter what if anyone had anything to say to me about my using, I would simply respond with it’s not as bad as you think. If only I would have listened.

Giving myself the opportunity to be aware of something I wasn’t before allows me to take responsibility for it. Once I take responsibility for something it allows me to change it. Admitting that I am powerless gives me the chance to change something in my life that has got the best of me thus far. Today I have power but I hand that power over to something greater than me. I can’t comprehend what it is but I am grateful that it continues to do for me what I cannot do for myself.