Lucky Charms or Fruit Loops? Hmm....

I was sitting here contemplating if I should do step work or go downstairs and eat a bowl of cereal. As enticing as a bowl of Lucky Charms sounded at that moment, I knew I had to get busy and put pen to paper.

Whenever I want to do something, I shouldn’t do it. Whenever I don’t want to do something, I probably should do it. I’ve been taking that approach to a lot of things that I encounter now and although I can’t say I’ve been perfect I have been doing much better in that respect. In my active addiction, it was always a self-will run riot. No matter what, I did what I wanted to do and that largely accompanied having something to do with heroin.

As I was looking for a blank piece of paper to do some writing I came across something I had written when I first entered my rehab center over 7 months ago. I am a different person than what I was back then. Here is the piece:

What encapsulates my lack of verbal expression towards how I feel or even my hesitance towards having a friendly conversation is my lack of empathy. I’ve been told a countless number of times that I am standoffish; whatever that means. I’m afraid my opinion might be discredited or even offensive; something no one wants to hear. The devil’s advocate so to speak. I’m so caught up with what other people think of me that I use all my energy in preventing them from having the opportunity to form any opinion of me whatsoever. When in reality, all I’m accomplishing is allowing them to formulate a false perception of who I really am. It lets me hide my insecurities and takes whatever focus that would otherwise be on me to someone or something else. My introvert personality plays a major role in this as well.

Drugs have amplified my introvertedness to the point of that I’m unable to express how I feel. From the outside looking in, one could say I’m a very shy person. To an extent this is very true and is solidified by the way I act. I’m afraid to show any sort of weakness. I don’t know how to be personable. I’ve suppressed my thoughts and feelings for so long that I lack the ability to communicate effectively. Isolation physically and mentally is all that I knew at this point in my life; self-taught behavior that should have killed me by now. If I continue down the same path of drug-induced behavior and thinking then that is not that far from fruition. I don’t know how to act any different. My upbringing taught me that if I show weakness then I can be taken advantage of. What I lack to comprehend is that I’m doing the exact opposite by not expressing how I feel. Before I speak I rationalize the consequences of what I’m about to say. What it really boils down to is I attempt to control the power of perception if I limit myself verbally and lack of power is my dilemma.

While I wrote this I surely thought I would be this way my entire life. I was so terrified that drugs had clouded my ability to communicate effectively or even just socialize in a friendly setting. I’m so thankful my true self is slowly but surely coming out the more I work this program.

I think it’s time to get that bowl of Lucky Charms now. Or should I eat Fruit Loops? Tough life choices.