GUT - God's Undeniable Truths

The other day I invited my sponsor over to watch the Miami Heat-Boston Celtics game. Him being from the east coast and an avid Celtics fan, I knew I had my hands full when inviting him over. If you know anything about me, I am very passionate about my teams. I’m very passionate with everything I do. Sitting down and watching a game is such an amazing feeling; at least before the game begins.

See, if you’re anything like me then yelling at the TV when things don’t go my team’s way is the norm thing to do. I need to express myself vocally and in the process be as loud as possible. It includes me jumping out of my seat and pointing at my TV or pacing back and forth in the living room.

The Celtics were up by 17 and I had this feeling in my gut that Miami would prevail again. I had little doubt they would pull off the victory. That might be my biased feeling but I never give up on my teams (well I would if I were a Clippers fan.) At this moment one of my roommates bet me $10 that Boston would end up winning. I knew he was thinking he was pulling a fast one on me solely because if you know nothing about the Miami Heat then a 17 point lead with 2 quarters to go looks like an insurmountable lead. Little did he know that the Heat are a force to be reckoned with in the final 2 quarters of any game.

My gut feeling told me to take the bet and it also told me that the Miami Heat were going to pull this one out. I took the bet and all of a sudden an extreme sense of anxiety overwhelmed me. I was already feeling apprehensive because of the possibility that their 22-game winning streak was in jeopardy. Now the only money I had in my pocket was on the line too.

In my active addiction, I never went with my gut feeling. I would go on what my stinking thinking told me to do. For example, when I was in Austin, TX at Austin Recovery Center I was presented with a situation that I knew would get me discharged. I was sitting back playing the guitar and all of a sudden there is a knock on the window. Earlier in the night, my roommate and I had deviously conjured up a plan to sneak into the girl’s dormitory across campus. Recovery was working in my life because before we put the plan in motion, we ran the idea by our other rehab buddies. They told us, “Don’t do it. You will get kicked out.” I would never run ideas by anyone else because I knew they would get shot down. And then someone else would know about the crazy shit that I was getting myself into.

Anyway, we decide to not sneak over there in spite of our self-will telling us to do otherwise. When I heard the knock I knew exactly what and who it was. My stomach immediately went into knots and my entire body sort of went into panic mode. I knew I was about to be faced with a dilemma that would change my current course of action. If only I would have listened to my gut feeling.

Long story short, we ended up sneaking over there and after spending way too much time over there, we were caught. Not only were we caught, but we were discharged the following afternoon. My gut feeling told me not to do it but I acted on it anyways. This happened frequently in my addiction because heroin was the guiding force in all of my actions. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t Cameron. I don’t have to be defined by what I did in my addiction but I do have to take responsibility for it. I am not responsible for addiction but I am responsible for my recovery.