Telling the truth and actually getting what you want is an
amazing feeling. The sober living I am currently staying at had an impromptu
house meeting that usually takes place on Wednesday evenings. Unprepared as I
was, anxiety overwhelmed me to the point where my mind started taking me to
places I used to excel at. Manipulating the situation to get exactly what I
want.
When I say manipulation, it encompasses lying as well. I’m
very good at telling you exactly what you need to hear when you need to hear it.
I persuade you to make a decision that benefits me without you even knowing it.
All the while, I am shaking in my boots internally knowing full well that what
I just said was complete bullshit.
I was planning on asking to be the exception to the rule of
no overnight passes until your two week trial period has commenced. Numerous
ideas started conjuring inside my tiny little head that sounded perfect on
paper but were far from being the truth. I started creating false scenarios
that might be plausible and then calculated how many other smaller lies I would
have to tell to keep whatever scenario I chose hidden to the truth. Immediately
I noticed that this was happening and that ‘Good guy’ on my left shoulder
started arguing with the ‘Bad guy’ over on my right shoulder.
See, when I was in my addiction and prior to working the
steps, this so-called ‘Good guy’ was never around. He would make guest appearances
every now and then but for the most part he was non-existent. Now, he continues
to just stay. A.A. has a cliché that is well known that states ‘Keep coming back.’
One that counters it is ‘Just stay.’ I am starting to notice that this little ‘Good
guy’ is taking the advice of the latter.
I’m OK with that today. If he ever made an appearance during
my active addiction it wouldn’t matter because I would disregard whatever right
decision was being presented. Wrong was all I knew because heroin makes you not
care of the result or consequence. It numbed me from having to feel any sort of
guilt, shame, or remorse during those times of action that I now wish I could
take back. However, hindsight is without a doubt 20/20. I’m grateful to have
gone through all the experiences I have gone through up to this point because
they are exactly what I needed to walk through to get to where I’m at today.
Let’s get back to my prolonged story though.
I instantaneously became aware of what my brain was trying
to do and that was dive back into old behavior. At this moment, I told myself I
would ask for what I wanted to do and my true intentions of why I wanted to do
it. The anxiety that I was feeling while deliberating if they would buy any of
those false scenarios was lifted.
Without going into much detail, I was granted the exception
and in the process grew exponentially. I overcame the fear of asking for what I
want without having to lie or manipulate to get it.
Maybe that cliché ‘The truth shall set you free’ does have
some truth to it.
I remember that moment for me...
ReplyDeleteI had a lump in my throat before I asked my request. The tips of my fingers felt numb and walking down the hallway to ask my parents felt like a twenty mile walk. My feet felt like they had led weights and I had a million manipulations, excuses, 'exit strategies' racing through my head. Standing at the end of the hallway about to open the door, my heart dropped and I breathed in as deeply as I possibly could- and turned the handle. I asked my request. No manipulations, no bullsh*t- Just truth.
Four years ago and I still remember this request because it was so simple, yet intensely powerful. Moments like this one keep the progression alive and the fire burning in my heart to continue fighting for me- my life- cause it's so completely worth it.
Yours is too- keep it up :]