The greatest enemies to any alcoholic or addict are
resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear. It’s sad to reflect back on
my life and see one thing prevalent besides heroin use; my life being haunted
by fear. The joy of life was squeezed out of me mainly because my fear of so
many things; failure, success, criticism, rejection, betrayal, loneliness,
change, losing a job, and always having the next right thing to say. I was even
afraid of dying. But what was the point of that? Me fearing death doesn’t
prevent me from dying; it merely prevented me from living.
However, fear isn’t always just fear. It becomes a
chameleon that manifests mayhem in my life in the form of anxiety, anger,
suspicion, hopelessness, and a myriad of other negative emotions as well. Fear
paralyzed me and it built up this impenetrable wall that hindered my progress
in every aspect of my life. Death is unavoidable; but overcoming or just facing
fear allows me to see who I can actually become before the inevitable happens.
My gravest problems did not stem from heroin use; they
instigated from fear. I used heroin to mask the emotional discomfort I felt
when dealing (or lack thereof) with my fear. I was never aware of these
different forms of fear that I was experiencing. I justified fear as a way to
be complacent. I didn’t want to excel at anything or take a chance with
something I was unsure about.
I would only do things I knew I would succeed at. For a
while, I had a 100% success rate in the things that I would do simply because I
knew what the outcome would be before I did it. I was being guided by fear.
Fear of success meant more responsibility. Fear of failure meant I didn’t
succeed. I was stuck in this never-ending cycle that was amplified by heroin
abuse. As long as I was getting high, I was self-satisfied with what I was
doing and with what I had going for myself.
Things started to change, however, once I did start
becoming aware of these different manifestations of fear. Although I might not
have any control over events and circumstances of things that I fear, my anxiety
is not part of those events. My fear is the interpretation of the events. Fear
derives from my thoughts. Once I started to accept this fact and took
responsibility for my thoughts, I began making progress.
I was very adept at disguising my fear as a coping
mechanism. However, my awareness allowed me to root them out by way of mindfulness
of my thoughts and carefully analyzing them. I can say that I’m afraid of
taking on the responsibility of getting a new job but what I’m really saying is
I’m afraid of not getting a job.
I’m currently looking for a job and fear overwhelms me at
times because I know that having money is a huge trigger for me. Having a job
entails money in my bank account. Having money allows me to spend it on
recreational fun. Bills? No way. Recreational fun to me was copious amounts of
heroin.
My paychecks were engaged to heroin. Anything I would get
would go to my addiction and I was OK with that. I had no other choice. Being
not only mentally but physically addicted to heroin is no way to live life. I
know so many people that run their lives into the ground (myself included) just because the fear
of withdrawal.
I attempted to quit so many times but the withdrawal (the
cold sweats, the restless legs, the overwhelming anxiety, the insomnia, the vomiting)
was too much to bear. It would result in me doing even more heroin. Did I want
to? No. But I did what I had to do to feel quote unquote normal.
Fear is no way to live life. I used to live life by this acronym of fear,
“Fuck Everything And Run,” but now I get to live life by, “Face Everything And
Recover.” For that I am grateful. Tomorrow I will have 90 days and for that to
even be possible is a miracle. I enjoy life now because I accept the feeling of discomfort. One day at a time.
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