Cease fighting everyone and everything.

Defiance

1. The act or an example of defying; bold resistance to an opposing force or authority.

2. Intentionally contemptuous behavior or attitude; readiness to contend or resist.

Fuck you…fuck you…you’re cool…fuck you. That is how I viewed everything in life; people, places, things, and principles. If I didn’t think it was “cool” then I didn’t want anything to do with it. If you had an ego bigger than mine we just couldn’t be friends. The funny thing is, though, I followed the rules.

Following the rules allows me to fly under the radar. It lets me give off the perception that I am doing the “right” thing and it allows me to manipulate you to the extreme. If manipulation was a sport, I’d be the MVP of the All-Star game. Being the compliant client in rehab allowed me to get away with a lot of things that I would otherwise have to do on a normal basis. It, however, didn’t get me sobriety.

My attitude of defiance permeated into many parts of my recovery. The role that defiance plays in my life serves me in many ways: and mostly in counterproductive ways to my goal of being in recovery. It has been extremely difficult deflating my ego to a point where a humble approach to life is becoming the norm. Defiance is relatively easy to identify from an outside perspective, however it is far more difficult for someone to recognize it in him or herself.

Defiance hindered my ability to stay sober in so many ways all because I wanted to turn my eye away from it. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was being defiant. I wanted to argue with you or whatever principle you were enforcing just because I could. I didn’t want to concede my sense of identity of being a rebel to the one lone fact that was stalling my recovery in so many ways.

Being a rebel in rehab was what I loved to do. It wasn’t until someone said to me that instead of using my energy and influence on movements that hamper not only my recovery but others as well, use it for a worthy cause. People look up to me and follow my lead. I was leading so many people in the wrong direction that once this person told me this, what I was doing didn’t fully resonate with me.

I’m beginning to enter a new echelon in my recovery where defiance doesn’t play an integral role in my life. I can’t say I adhere to this abstinently, but I do recognize and am aware of when I am being defiant. This is huge for me.

Today, I cease fighting everyone and everything. It’s better for me to be happy than right. So many things can create obstacles in my recovery if I let my defiant ways guide me. Defiance leads to another shot of heroin in my arm. I have plenty of relapses in me but I don’t know if I have another recovery in me.