Trying is what got me high; doing is what keeps me sober.

I had this revelation that occurred to me when I was deliberating what I wanted to eat for lunch today. I was complaining internally that I didn't have anything that was quick and easy to make. Of course I have plenty of things to eat that take time but who wants to spend time cooking a quality meal that is probably much healthier than anything instant I could eat? Not this guy.

I found myself thinking of something I had said one time in a meeting. Alcoholics Anonymous isn't a program for people who want it; it’s not for people who need it; it is for people who just do it. It almost sounds like a bad Nike commercial.

I can want something to eat and possibly need it because I’m desperately famished. Unless I take the time to make my food regardless of how short or long it takes to make it, some sort of action is needed to diminish the hunger that is causing my want and need to eat.

Weird how that works; I eat something and my starvation is cured. My addiction is a daily reprieve and for so long I wanted to get sober. For so long I wanted nothing but to be clean and free from this disease. I didn't want to do the things that were suggested and what I deemed necessary to live a life free from the shackles of heroin. I was stuck in the bondage of self for so long that I forgot what it felt like to be free.

I tried to get clean and sober for over two years. I kept doing the same thing over and over. I would be the compliant client in rehab and look good on the outside. However, nothing was changing on the inside because I wasn't doing anything other than the things that allowed me to float under the radar. I can try all I want but trying to make something to eat doesn't mean I am going to eat. I am not going to stay sober if I just try to work the program the way it is suggested. I must take suggestion as direction and if I am able to do that then I just might have a chance.

By no means am I saying I am cured whatsoever. The moment I think I got it, I’ll probably lose it. I am doing what I need to be doing day in and day out to assure myself that I can at least stay clean just for today. Living in the present is what is contributing to my new found motivation. I can only give credit to the steps working my life today. I’ll save that for another time though.

I still haven’t figured out what I am going to eat for lunch.