Never lose hope...

I've been sitting here staring at my screen for hours attempting to come up with something to write about. I think I put too much emphasis on how I write rather than what I write. I don't know why that is but I've found myself at a loss for words and that is a rare occasion. I guess I'm just in a difficult place right now mentally and writing is an escape for me because it lets me process my thoughts. Staying inside my head is definitely a red-flag indicator but it's not necessarily horrifying to me at this point because as long as I recognize it I can combat it.

Writing for me is a way to release what I'm feeling because I have a hard time sharing to other people exactly what I feel or why I feel that way. I guess you could say it has been a defense mechanism since my latter days of childhood. I don't like letting people inside my inner circle and even if you are in my inner circle I still don't fully let you in. I guess it comes down to a trust benefactor. I understand trust and communication are two main keys to relationships and without either then the relationship eventually falls to its demise.

When you make sobriety your number one priority everything has the ability to fall into place. However, you must take the next step in making them fall into place because without action then nothing can come to fruition. Sobriety to me has been much easier this time around because I've been ready to stay away from heroin. I've been ready to live a life free from drugs. Getting out of the rabbit hole was the most difficult process but now that I'm out it's been much satisfying to know I don't ever want to go back down.

Recently patience has been huge for me. I've never been a huge fan of patience because when I want something I wanted it yesterday. I don't like having to wait for things and I don't necessarily like having to work for them either. Don't get me wrong I am a very hard worker when I see value in doing so. I think that is my problem, though, as I don't put value into too many things today. I see everything as an investment. I'll put my all into something I see with long-term dividends but if I see the rewards dwindle or dwindling in the near future I eventually cease my energy towards that particular thing. Sobriety gets my full attention today and the moment I stray my attention away from it is the moment I should be worried. Today I'm not worried.

Adversity defines character.

Adversity is an absolute to life. No matter what you do or where you do it something seems to always hinder the ability to accomplish it whether it's an act outside of you or within you. I don't believe there is a force that naturally forces these upon you but I do believe any obstacle in our way is a rendition made up in our mind. Albeit, there are obstacles that are actually mandated but to overcome those there is always a process; really - there is a process to everything.

That process might create adversity but only if we let it. I am in an situation where adversity is ADVERSELY affecting my motivation and I am finding ways to combat that. Although difficult, I don't believe it will prevent me from my end-goal but I do believe that I need to weather whatever adversity I find myself facing in order to succeed and reach my goals.

Starting over with nothing is no easy task - I mean I've been in this situation multiple times now and I always seem to find a way to get back on my feet. The problem lies in sustaining what I've built but I believe in myself enough today that it won't be an issue. I don't focus on that today because I'm not there. I'm at the beginning and I am putting forth all of my energy and attention towards getting myself to the point of sustainability to test my strength and will. Test? Maybe that isn't the right word but it seems suitable today.

I am at a point in my recovery where action leads to more positive results where the exact opposite leads to a dead end. Life is defined by a sequence of events that ultimately lead up to goal being achieved or not. I've recently strayed away from setting any goals for myself because I haven't been on top of my positive mindset. I've been too focused on the self-pity part of my life thinking about where I'm at and what I've done. Focusing on the present really is difficult especially when you've gone through what I've gone through.

As difficult as it is - staying in today is a necessity for my survival. Dwelling on something that has happened in the past can and will motivate you but staying there won't. It's what I focus on today and how I will achieve the goals that I've set for myself is what my legacy will end up being. Do I want to be remembered as an individual who succumbed to the desire and pleasure of heroin? No because that is not who I am and not who my parents raised me to be.

I have a purpose in this world and whatever that purpose is I'm still trying to figure that out. It doesn't discourage me knowing that I haven't lived up to my true potential. I have plenty of time to accomplish what I want to accomplish and the great thing is I really have any opportunity in the world today. If I can conquer the disease of heroin affliction then I can conquer anything in this world. And for those that have been through addiction know exactly what I'm talking about.