Adjustment is difficult

Creating something from nothing is no easy task. Sobriety in a way is starting something without much substance and turning it into something that has the ability to blossom into something beautiful. I know this is the beginning but adjustment from where I was to where I am now has been very difficult. In my active addiction instant gratification was the way of life. If I wanted something then I had to have it right then and there. If it wasn't attainable then I would focus on something that was. Now I don't have that luxury because good things and even better things take time to develop. I don't have much right now but I am grateful for what I do have. I have people that believe in not only me as a person but my potential as well. They have given me the ability to believe in myself. I never did when I was using. I always knew I had potential to do great things but I always sabotaged everything and anything I had going for myself. Why? I don't know but I no longer feel the need to sabotage what it is I want to accomplish. I see myself growing every day and although I might take a step back every now and then I see myself learning from those experiences as before I didn't. I see the consequences before they happen and I adapt accordingly. I take the necessary steps to create the least collateral damage possible and it begins with me. I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else. In doing so - I see that it can take care of them as well. Today I see how my actions affect others and I stay resilient to the fact that I am not perfect today; nor will I ever be. Perfect is boring - perfect is nothing more than an illusion we set for ourselves. I'm having difficulty being patient in letting things take course and not forcing them. In due time it will come to fruition and that is what is guiding me right now.

It's much easier when you're ready...

Sometimes I ponder about my past thinking about how I could have made a better decision or if the decision I made was the right choice. I won't lie to you - I haven't always made the best decisions but with each wrong decision comes knowledge to make the right decision should I be put in a similar situation. Life has its struggles and my life up to this point and been a huge struggle. The main benefactor for that struggle has been myself.

I've been my biggest obstacle and I've always failed to realize that up until today. Everything seemed so fruitless in my life because I've always blamed circumstances or other people for my failures. It was never my fault. Today I see my part in things and it makes me feel blessed to feel this way. I've pushed people away because of MY actions and people have pushed me away as well. I always blamed them for them for not being compassionate enough or being there for me when I needed them to be. Little did I know, I was by no means compassionate to them nor was I ever there for them.

I can only get back what I give to other people. I can't expect people to act a certain way when I myself aren't doing the things I'm expecting in return. It's funny that I see this now but I failed to see it then. Life experience whether good or bad has been my biggest ally - it's hard to others perspective until I am in their shoes. I can try my hardest to hypothetically see things from their perspective but it just never comes to fruition.

Today I don't need to do that because if I just be me then it won't have to be like that. Putting on a facade of someone I'm not is a very difficult thing to do but to be honest I was never comfortable with being me. I never wanted to be the person in my shoes. I don't mind being in my shoes today because I am acting as a person that I can be proud of; and in turn hopefully someone that my family and friends can be proud of to.

My life has changed for the better and I hope I can share my experience with others so they don't have to experience the things I did. Sometimes finding out the hard way is what's best for people and it definitely was for me at times. But it doesn't have to get to the point where it got with me - it can and will but it doesn't have to end up like that. We all have a choice and today I know I have the tools to make the right choice - and I will.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What really is Thanksgiving? To me, it is the culmination of sharing the day with your loved ones and stuffing your faces with so much food you can't stay awake afterwards. The latter has been my most favorite part in the past but today the former is what drives me.

Time and time again I haven't been able to appreciate the things I otherwise would take for granted. For instance - my family. I lost my family and my family almost lost me the the succumbing side effects of heroin addiction. When you are under the influence you don't take the time to think about how your actions affect others, especially the people closest to you. You act selfishly not because you want to but because you stop caring - about everything and everyone.

Caring to me was a feeling and feeling was something I didn't want to do. My coping mechanism for so long was to stick a needle in my arm and I thought that was happiness. But today I have experienced true happiness and it has never felt better.

 I have been in a rehabilitation program the last three months and it was by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to do up to this point in my life. I've been running from my past but this program didn't let me continue to do that. It made me confront my past among other things and I am truly grateful for it. Making the decision to go to a rehab that I despised only 6 years ago turned out to be the the best decision of my life.

 I wish I could explain everything I got out of the program but I wouldn't have enough space. This wasn't your traditional 12-step program and I didn't think it would work for me; boy was I wrong. A common sense guide to living was the premise. It teaches you things that I wish I had learned when I was younger - maybe I wouldn't have had to endure all the pain and misery I put myself through these past 10 years but I wouldn't change it for the world. It has turned me into the man I am today and although I am a little rough around the edges I have hope today. I have hope that I can live a life of happiness and I dictate that today. I can make the right choice and determine my future. I can do this.

Random thoughts on where I am at today with my recovery...

I wish I knew what to say right now. So much has happened in these past 12 plus months that I don't even know where to begin. I've finally entered a sober living and I've been here for the past two days. To say the last two years have been chaos is an understatement. It is such a relief that I am here and attempting to live life sober. I say attempting because nothing is concrete in recovery. I'll honestly say it has been bittersweet entering sober living due to the fact that I am leaving behind what I know. The rush I get when I push the plunger in and the heroin enters my veins is indescribable. I fantasise about that now because my body is still adjusting to not having it in it's system. I could lie and tell you I don't think about it but I do. I think about it 24/7. I also think about the fact that I have no more chances except for this one so why risk throwing away my entire life? I have one last chance before I lose my family and to be honest I don't know why they are helping me one last time.

I have said this before and I will say it again but I honestly feel this is the last chance at recovery I have before I end up in a grave. No parent should have to bury their own son or daughter and to have survived so many heroin shots that I have without overdosing is baffling. Maybe there is a bigger purpose to my life than what it is right now. Maybe there is something left for me to do. I don't know but it feels almost surreal that I am in a sober living because I honestly felt stuck in the places that I started to find myself at. I finally experienced jail; twice in 3 weeks. LA County jail is not fun and it's not a place that I ever want to be again. I will expand on that on a later post but for right now let's focus on the beginning of my recovery.

I'm currently on lockdown which means I can't leave the premises. This is for my own safety - I guess. It's been difficult saying goodbye to my friends that I have been using with because I have been through up's and down's with them these past couple of years. I've been there for them and they've been there for me. However, if they don't get sober then I can't associate with them anymore. It sucks to say that but it's best I surround myself with positive people who are serious about their recovery. Who those people are is still unknown but I do know I can befriend the right people. I did it before while I was in recovery in Pasadena when I first started this blog so replicating that shouldn't be so difficult.

I'm currently living in Capistrano Beach which is between Laguna Beach and San Clemente. The best part about being where I am is the beach is literally five minutes away. Staring off into the ocean, catching some rays, or even going surfing is better than any high I can get with a syringe filled with heroin. It may not be as euphoric but at least it's a life I can live that people respect me by. I don't know what I am going to do these next few weeks but I do know I am going to try to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I've never accomplished that before but it's what I need to do. I already have a sponsor lined up who should be perfect for me. He sponsors a close friend of mine and he said the best thing about him is he makes you think. I'm very intelligent and usually have trouble finding someone who can induce a conversation that actually makes me think so having him as a sponsor should be good for me. I hate to brag about it but when I had to see the psychiatrist at the jail and they gave me an IQ test which I scored a 142. I was told that is pretty good. Maybe that is why I feel like I am surrounded by idiots all the time.

All joking aside, I need to do everything I can in my power to not use and occupy my time with positive things that incorporate recovery. Whatever that is I am all for it because it is the only thing that will keep me from dying. I don't want to die nor do I want to make my parents go through the loss of a child. Three people have overdosed in my apartment and each time they were seconds away from dying by the time the paramedics arrived. We always were skeptical in calling the paramedics because of the consequences that might occur because of the paraphernalia, drugs, and contraband that was present. Cleaning that up was the priority - not the life on the brink of death. Seeing that first hand multiple times reminds me of all the friends that I have lost since entering recover 3 1/2 years ago. I used to be able to count them on one hand but now I can't even count them on both of my hands.

I'm excited to be back in recovery. Like I said though, it is bittersweet. Once I am over the drug malaise then I am sure that I will be all for it like I was before. Instant gratification is what I am used to and recovery requires you to be patient. I have trouble developing any kind of patience but it's necessary. I hope this anxiety goes away soon because I know a shot of heroin would take it away instantly. It would also take away everything all over again. I literally have nothing left except my two laptops, my car, and a few clothes. My puppy and cat is at my roommates house but I'm sure I'll never see them again unless he gets clean. I hope he does but I don't think he has the desire nor drive to get clean right now. He overdosed last night and luckily my friend was with him and able to call 911 or he would have been a goner. The last thing I said to him was "don't fucking take too much and overdose." I guess he didn't heed my warning.

He's safe though and I hope it was a wake up call for him. It sure was for me. Yet will it stay implanted long enough to get me to a place where using is the last thing I think about? The bad times quickly fade and my brain only remembers the good times during my using. It tells me that it's alright to have one shot; that it's alright to only use on the weekends; that it's alright to only use in the mornings. All of those events have led to using all day and all night. It lost me my girlfriend who I still miss very much. It lost me my sister who hasn't talked to me in years. My nephews are growing up without knowing who their uncle is. I hope that relationship can be rekindled but who knows. I do know that there is a possibility if I am sober but if I continue to use then it never will come to fruition.

Using heroin has been my entire life for the past year and some change. I had a severely bad habit that I had to support by selling heroin. I'll tell you all about that later but I supported myself by means of selling and business was good. Business was more than good - it was great. It all came crashing down though because I guess I was just too nice. I'm glad it did though because that life would have never ended had I continued selling. I potentially could have ended up in an even worse situation had I gotten caught selling but luckily I never did. A white boy like me selling heroin? Nah man no way. Cops never even looked my way. I could write a book on how to sell heroin and get away with it but lets not and pretend I did.

Anyways I'll be keeping this blog updated a few times a week when I feel like writing about something. This post has been so random because that is exactly where my head is at. I can't concentrate. I can't focus. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I just want it all to get better much sooner than later.

Thank you all for the support and I appreciate the kind words. Please never try any sort of drug because you'll end up just like me if not worse. Let my experience deter you away from any sort of temptation because trust me it is not worth it. You eventually lose everything.