Random thoughts on where I am at today with my recovery...

I wish I knew what to say right now. So much has happened in these past 12 plus months that I don't even know where to begin. I've finally entered a sober living and I've been here for the past two days. To say the last two years have been chaos is an understatement. It is such a relief that I am here and attempting to live life sober. I say attempting because nothing is concrete in recovery. I'll honestly say it has been bittersweet entering sober living due to the fact that I am leaving behind what I know. The rush I get when I push the plunger in and the heroin enters my veins is indescribable. I fantasise about that now because my body is still adjusting to not having it in it's system. I could lie and tell you I don't think about it but I do. I think about it 24/7. I also think about the fact that I have no more chances except for this one so why risk throwing away my entire life? I have one last chance before I lose my family and to be honest I don't know why they are helping me one last time.

I have said this before and I will say it again but I honestly feel this is the last chance at recovery I have before I end up in a grave. No parent should have to bury their own son or daughter and to have survived so many heroin shots that I have without overdosing is baffling. Maybe there is a bigger purpose to my life than what it is right now. Maybe there is something left for me to do. I don't know but it feels almost surreal that I am in a sober living because I honestly felt stuck in the places that I started to find myself at. I finally experienced jail; twice in 3 weeks. LA County jail is not fun and it's not a place that I ever want to be again. I will expand on that on a later post but for right now let's focus on the beginning of my recovery.

I'm currently on lockdown which means I can't leave the premises. This is for my own safety - I guess. It's been difficult saying goodbye to my friends that I have been using with because I have been through up's and down's with them these past couple of years. I've been there for them and they've been there for me. However, if they don't get sober then I can't associate with them anymore. It sucks to say that but it's best I surround myself with positive people who are serious about their recovery. Who those people are is still unknown but I do know I can befriend the right people. I did it before while I was in recovery in Pasadena when I first started this blog so replicating that shouldn't be so difficult.

I'm currently living in Capistrano Beach which is between Laguna Beach and San Clemente. The best part about being where I am is the beach is literally five minutes away. Staring off into the ocean, catching some rays, or even going surfing is better than any high I can get with a syringe filled with heroin. It may not be as euphoric but at least it's a life I can live that people respect me by. I don't know what I am going to do these next few weeks but I do know I am going to try to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I've never accomplished that before but it's what I need to do. I already have a sponsor lined up who should be perfect for me. He sponsors a close friend of mine and he said the best thing about him is he makes you think. I'm very intelligent and usually have trouble finding someone who can induce a conversation that actually makes me think so having him as a sponsor should be good for me. I hate to brag about it but when I had to see the psychiatrist at the jail and they gave me an IQ test which I scored a 142. I was told that is pretty good. Maybe that is why I feel like I am surrounded by idiots all the time.

All joking aside, I need to do everything I can in my power to not use and occupy my time with positive things that incorporate recovery. Whatever that is I am all for it because it is the only thing that will keep me from dying. I don't want to die nor do I want to make my parents go through the loss of a child. Three people have overdosed in my apartment and each time they were seconds away from dying by the time the paramedics arrived. We always were skeptical in calling the paramedics because of the consequences that might occur because of the paraphernalia, drugs, and contraband that was present. Cleaning that up was the priority - not the life on the brink of death. Seeing that first hand multiple times reminds me of all the friends that I have lost since entering recover 3 1/2 years ago. I used to be able to count them on one hand but now I can't even count them on both of my hands.

I'm excited to be back in recovery. Like I said though, it is bittersweet. Once I am over the drug malaise then I am sure that I will be all for it like I was before. Instant gratification is what I am used to and recovery requires you to be patient. I have trouble developing any kind of patience but it's necessary. I hope this anxiety goes away soon because I know a shot of heroin would take it away instantly. It would also take away everything all over again. I literally have nothing left except my two laptops, my car, and a few clothes. My puppy and cat is at my roommates house but I'm sure I'll never see them again unless he gets clean. I hope he does but I don't think he has the desire nor drive to get clean right now. He overdosed last night and luckily my friend was with him and able to call 911 or he would have been a goner. The last thing I said to him was "don't fucking take too much and overdose." I guess he didn't heed my warning.

He's safe though and I hope it was a wake up call for him. It sure was for me. Yet will it stay implanted long enough to get me to a place where using is the last thing I think about? The bad times quickly fade and my brain only remembers the good times during my using. It tells me that it's alright to have one shot; that it's alright to only use on the weekends; that it's alright to only use in the mornings. All of those events have led to using all day and all night. It lost me my girlfriend who I still miss very much. It lost me my sister who hasn't talked to me in years. My nephews are growing up without knowing who their uncle is. I hope that relationship can be rekindled but who knows. I do know that there is a possibility if I am sober but if I continue to use then it never will come to fruition.

Using heroin has been my entire life for the past year and some change. I had a severely bad habit that I had to support by selling heroin. I'll tell you all about that later but I supported myself by means of selling and business was good. Business was more than good - it was great. It all came crashing down though because I guess I was just too nice. I'm glad it did though because that life would have never ended had I continued selling. I potentially could have ended up in an even worse situation had I gotten caught selling but luckily I never did. A white boy like me selling heroin? Nah man no way. Cops never even looked my way. I could write a book on how to sell heroin and get away with it but lets not and pretend I did.

Anyways I'll be keeping this blog updated a few times a week when I feel like writing about something. This post has been so random because that is exactly where my head is at. I can't concentrate. I can't focus. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I just want it all to get better much sooner than later.

Thank you all for the support and I appreciate the kind words. Please never try any sort of drug because you'll end up just like me if not worse. Let my experience deter you away from any sort of temptation because trust me it is not worth it. You eventually lose everything.