It's much easier when you're ready...

Sometimes I ponder about my past thinking about how I could have made a better decision or if the decision I made was the right choice. I won't lie to you - I haven't always made the best decisions but with each wrong decision comes knowledge to make the right decision should I be put in a similar situation. Life has its struggles and my life up to this point and been a huge struggle. The main benefactor for that struggle has been myself.

I've been my biggest obstacle and I've always failed to realize that up until today. Everything seemed so fruitless in my life because I've always blamed circumstances or other people for my failures. It was never my fault. Today I see my part in things and it makes me feel blessed to feel this way. I've pushed people away because of MY actions and people have pushed me away as well. I always blamed them for them for not being compassionate enough or being there for me when I needed them to be. Little did I know, I was by no means compassionate to them nor was I ever there for them.

I can only get back what I give to other people. I can't expect people to act a certain way when I myself aren't doing the things I'm expecting in return. It's funny that I see this now but I failed to see it then. Life experience whether good or bad has been my biggest ally - it's hard to others perspective until I am in their shoes. I can try my hardest to hypothetically see things from their perspective but it just never comes to fruition.

Today I don't need to do that because if I just be me then it won't have to be like that. Putting on a facade of someone I'm not is a very difficult thing to do but to be honest I was never comfortable with being me. I never wanted to be the person in my shoes. I don't mind being in my shoes today because I am acting as a person that I can be proud of; and in turn hopefully someone that my family and friends can be proud of to.

My life has changed for the better and I hope I can share my experience with others so they don't have to experience the things I did. Sometimes finding out the hard way is what's best for people and it definitely was for me at times. But it doesn't have to get to the point where it got with me - it can and will but it doesn't have to end up like that. We all have a choice and today I know I have the tools to make the right choice - and I will.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What really is Thanksgiving? To me, it is the culmination of sharing the day with your loved ones and stuffing your faces with so much food you can't stay awake afterwards. The latter has been my most favorite part in the past but today the former is what drives me.

Time and time again I haven't been able to appreciate the things I otherwise would take for granted. For instance - my family. I lost my family and my family almost lost me the the succumbing side effects of heroin addiction. When you are under the influence you don't take the time to think about how your actions affect others, especially the people closest to you. You act selfishly not because you want to but because you stop caring - about everything and everyone.

Caring to me was a feeling and feeling was something I didn't want to do. My coping mechanism for so long was to stick a needle in my arm and I thought that was happiness. But today I have experienced true happiness and it has never felt better.

 I have been in a rehabilitation program the last three months and it was by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to do up to this point in my life. I've been running from my past but this program didn't let me continue to do that. It made me confront my past among other things and I am truly grateful for it. Making the decision to go to a rehab that I despised only 6 years ago turned out to be the the best decision of my life.

 I wish I could explain everything I got out of the program but I wouldn't have enough space. This wasn't your traditional 12-step program and I didn't think it would work for me; boy was I wrong. A common sense guide to living was the premise. It teaches you things that I wish I had learned when I was younger - maybe I wouldn't have had to endure all the pain and misery I put myself through these past 10 years but I wouldn't change it for the world. It has turned me into the man I am today and although I am a little rough around the edges I have hope today. I have hope that I can live a life of happiness and I dictate that today. I can make the right choice and determine my future. I can do this.