Good things happen to those who do.

It is officially time to step out of my comfort zone. I’m an aspiring small business owner and I have continuously held myself back because of my fear of failure. Not knowing what to do has also held me back to getting started. Knowledge is attainable if you put some effort into getting it. I lackluster my way to finding out what I need to do but I never act on it. I’m an entrepreneur at heart with no credentials to my name. I’d like to think I have what it takes to make things happen. Heroin has held me back for so long and I was able to use that as an excuse. Now that the heroin is gone; what is holding me back?

I’m venturing out of my comfort zone and doing things I never have done before. I’ve been tenaciously looking for a job in the information technology sector but have had little to no success. My ideal job hasn’t jumped out to me yet and people keep telling me that I need to slow down a little bit and focus on my recovery. Financial instability pressures me into taking on this responsibility early in my recovery but I feel I am ready to tackle anything. That is the exact mentality I need to have.

I have a business idea that I have found a niche in that I know I will excel at. It is something I haven’t really done before but the past has proven that I am pretty good at what I put my mind to. I’m not necessarily bragging but rather positively reinforcing the fact that this is the mentality I need to have. I’ve been told numerous times that my ego needs to be deflated; and yes at times it does. However, I don’t see it as ego so much as confidence. At the same time I try and be humble. Is that even possible?

Humility is the driving success of my recovery right now. I stop being teachable the moment I stop being humble. I’d rather be happy than right; that wasn’t always the case. Arguing for the sake of arguing is no longer prevalent. I don’t convince you that you are wrong just because I want to be right even when I know I’m wrong. Are you picking up what I’m laying down?

I am very anxious but nervous at the same time in getting this venture started. Can I really do it? I won’t know unless I try. I’d rather fail at something then not know if I can do it. I don’t take that mentality into my sobriety. I used to but I can’t afford to be hard headed anymore. I use others’ experience as a way to pave my life today. I’ve been surrounding myself with “winners” and I’m starting to notice myself act differently and treat people with respect and dignity. At least I try my best at the time to do so. That’s all I can do. If I only can give 30% of effort that day, I will give 100% of my effort into that 30%.

Good ideas are just ideas if they aren’t acted upon. Dreams come true when you act on your ideas. If I fail then I know what not to do. If I succeed then my dreams might come true. Sobriety makes this possible.

Yet... you're eligible too.

I’ve been pressured into getting a job recently. My parents suggested I get a job and my first response was, “What’s that?” Joking aside, I’d like to think that I can handle responsibility in a much more efficient manner than I have in the past but I have yet to test this theory sober. I reserve saying anything that incriminates me but I have sabotaged my most recent jobs with incessant heroin use. My insane thinking had me believing that it wasn’t noticeable and that I was getting away with it. Being sober and seeing people in the heroin-induced coma made me realize that I wasn’t hiding anything.

I see people trying to hide their demeanor by blaming it on lack of sleep or being so busy they haven’t had a chance to just sit down to take a breather. The same shit that I would do. The ignorant people would believe me but not the people that were aware of the underground life I was living. I suffer from a physical allergy and a mental obsession. I’m powerless because of it. I will take another shot of heroin regardless of knowing that it won’t get me any higher. Thinking it will get me higher causes me to do that. My mental obsession is an overriding thought that overrides all rational thought. I couldn’t rationalize anything because heroin had hijacked my brain.

Having a job allows me to bring in a paycheck and fill my days with productivity. I can actually be a functional human being and be considered a productive member of society again. However, that paycheck has been my demise for so long that I’m worried what will come of it. Although I am in a much different place than I was while I was throwing away my money to insidious amounts of heroin, money is and always will be a trigger for me. For me to deny that is my disease creeping back into my life.

My disease is always there for me. The reason I divulge myself into all facets of this program is because I don’t know what is working the best for me. I’m not willing to find out either. I read, write, pray, talk, and fellowship every day because it’s what is keeping me sober. For me to half-ass any of these causes a loophole for my disease to latch onto and cut into the front of the line to the water slide  Once it has momentum, it’s very hard to stop.

I know it won’t always be like this in the future because people with more time than me have experienced the time where you stop trying to live sober and actually live sober. I truly believe my mental obsession has been lifted but I will continue doing the things I have been doing in order for it not to come back. And if it does, I’ll be ready for it.

I’ve never been more prepared in my life to tackle the responsibility of being quote unquote normal. I am very ambitious and have many ideas I want to come to fruition. Being sober allows these ideas to grow but being in my disease causes them to die. In the beginning, Oxycontin and heroin made me able to do anything and everything. It gave me what meth gives to speed freaks. Eventually that all went away once I started injecting. Once I stuck a needle in my arm, life kind of fell off a cliff for me.

Everything revolved around getting and using heroin; thinking, sleeping, eating, everything. I don’t really know how to explain it because it was a way of life for me. It was normal for me to get off work and go straight to my dealer’s house. It was normal for me to take a 2 hour lunch break because my dealer was running late. It was normal for me to miss work because I was dope sick. That’s the insanity of this disease. Your standard of living gets lower and lower. Luckily mine didn’t get to as low as other people have experienced; not yet at least.

Yet; you’re eligible too. My bottom doesn’t have to be as low as others’ but it can get to that point if I stop doing what I’m doing. I won’t let it get to that point because I am done living that way. I am done digging myself into a bigger and deeper hole every time. I have finally put the shovel down.