Yet... you're eligible too.

I’ve been pressured into getting a job recently. My parents suggested I get a job and my first response was, “What’s that?” Joking aside, I’d like to think that I can handle responsibility in a much more efficient manner than I have in the past but I have yet to test this theory sober. I reserve saying anything that incriminates me but I have sabotaged my most recent jobs with incessant heroin use. My insane thinking had me believing that it wasn’t noticeable and that I was getting away with it. Being sober and seeing people in the heroin-induced coma made me realize that I wasn’t hiding anything.

I see people trying to hide their demeanor by blaming it on lack of sleep or being so busy they haven’t had a chance to just sit down to take a breather. The same shit that I would do. The ignorant people would believe me but not the people that were aware of the underground life I was living. I suffer from a physical allergy and a mental obsession. I’m powerless because of it. I will take another shot of heroin regardless of knowing that it won’t get me any higher. Thinking it will get me higher causes me to do that. My mental obsession is an overriding thought that overrides all rational thought. I couldn’t rationalize anything because heroin had hijacked my brain.

Having a job allows me to bring in a paycheck and fill my days with productivity. I can actually be a functional human being and be considered a productive member of society again. However, that paycheck has been my demise for so long that I’m worried what will come of it. Although I am in a much different place than I was while I was throwing away my money to insidious amounts of heroin, money is and always will be a trigger for me. For me to deny that is my disease creeping back into my life.

My disease is always there for me. The reason I divulge myself into all facets of this program is because I don’t know what is working the best for me. I’m not willing to find out either. I read, write, pray, talk, and fellowship every day because it’s what is keeping me sober. For me to half-ass any of these causes a loophole for my disease to latch onto and cut into the front of the line to the water slide  Once it has momentum, it’s very hard to stop.

I know it won’t always be like this in the future because people with more time than me have experienced the time where you stop trying to live sober and actually live sober. I truly believe my mental obsession has been lifted but I will continue doing the things I have been doing in order for it not to come back. And if it does, I’ll be ready for it.

I’ve never been more prepared in my life to tackle the responsibility of being quote unquote normal. I am very ambitious and have many ideas I want to come to fruition. Being sober allows these ideas to grow but being in my disease causes them to die. In the beginning, Oxycontin and heroin made me able to do anything and everything. It gave me what meth gives to speed freaks. Eventually that all went away once I started injecting. Once I stuck a needle in my arm, life kind of fell off a cliff for me.

Everything revolved around getting and using heroin; thinking, sleeping, eating, everything. I don’t really know how to explain it because it was a way of life for me. It was normal for me to get off work and go straight to my dealer’s house. It was normal for me to take a 2 hour lunch break because my dealer was running late. It was normal for me to miss work because I was dope sick. That’s the insanity of this disease. Your standard of living gets lower and lower. Luckily mine didn’t get to as low as other people have experienced; not yet at least.

Yet; you’re eligible too. My bottom doesn’t have to be as low as others’ but it can get to that point if I stop doing what I’m doing. I won’t let it get to that point because I am done living that way. I am done digging myself into a bigger and deeper hole every time. I have finally put the shovel down.