The hardest thing for me to do is admit complete defeat.

Admitting that I am powerless gives me the power not to use heroin today. Anyone with half a brain could suggest that the former sentence contradicts itself. The first time I heard it it induced the same feeling inside of me. However, I soon later realized I was thinking inside the box when this occurred.

More times than not I had tried to use heroin in a controlled manner. Every time the result was the same; I was using even though I knew negative consequences would ensue. I was using even though it was miserable and not fun anymore. I was using regardless of everything around me was being ruined. I was using even though I knew that at any moment the next time I stuck a needle in my arm it could be my last.

Some people can drink or use with impunity. I cannot. I may have gotten away with my using early on in my career, but it eventually caught up to me since I am what they call a real addict. I invited negative consequences into my life and the disgusting part is that I brought them onto myself. 

It seems paradoxical, but the only way for me to win is to surrender (the definition of this word as defined by the dictionary is to join the winning side) to the cold, hard, sobering truth. I simply cannot use with impunity. My using is unhealthy, dangerous, destructive, and deadly.

It may not resonate with some because of denial. I never met an addict who never experienced denial at one time or another. Addicts have a tendency to lie, minimize, and rationalize their way to another drink or drug. It is not called an addiction for nothing.

Conceding to my innermost self that I was an addict gave me power to change my thinking and my actions. Denial (Don’t even know I am lying) played a huge role in denying me the ability to recognize that drugs were controlling my life. No matter what if anyone had anything to say to me about my using, I would simply respond with it’s not as bad as you think. If only I would have listened.

Giving myself the opportunity to be aware of something I wasn’t before allows me to take responsibility for it. Once I take responsibility for something it allows me to change it. Admitting that I am powerless gives me the chance to change something in my life that has got the best of me thus far. Today I have power but I hand that power over to something greater than me. I can’t comprehend what it is but I am grateful that it continues to do for me what I cannot do for myself.