Heroin can only do so much!

Considering what just happened to me I am actually serene internally. Although I am a bit disturbed, I am still clinging onto the hope that my higher power is guiding me spiritually. I can’t control outside forces but I do have the ability to respond or react in a positive manner to a situation however distasteful it might be.

Throughout the day I had a million thoughts running through my head; uncontrollably of course. I kept trying to ground myself by staying busy and active. Meditation this morning helped contribute to the sense of serenity I am currently feeling. I never thought this would be possible. I can only hope that if I continue to do the things I am doing then incidents like these will be as manageable as this situation is right now.

This wasn’t possible two years ago. Any sort of rejection or like thereof would contribute to another ounce of heroin being purchased. Regardless of who or what it was, I hated any sort of feeling that was negative in connotation. Shit, who am I kidding; I even used heroin when I was feeling good in hope that it would make me feel even better. For a time it did but eventually as with every high, it dissipated.

I am glad that I have the coffee commitment tonight at my meeting. I am even more pleased with my sober support network that I have developed in the greater Los Angeles area. I don’t have to walk through anything alone anymore and that is monumental for me. Feeling emotionally abandoned ever since the age of 12 hasn’t been easy. For once in my life do I feel like I have handfuls of people I can go to for any sort of issue and at least a handful of them can shed light on their experience dealing with the same thing.

Using heroin has allowed me to escape the feelings that I am experiencing today. Divulging how I am feeling to another alcoholic or addict has given me the same relief. I never reached out for help emotionally or even physically for that matter, and it contributed to many relapses. Don’t get me wrong; I have no desire or urge to use right now. All I am saying is I am taking contrary action to the events that I am experiencing today that I used to rely on heroin to get me through. And for that I am grateful.

I have to get going to my meeting but I hope you are all enjoying my blog as much as I am!