Sobriety must be my number one priority...

Is being where you're currently at always the right place to be at that point in time? Does fate determine this? Does coincidence go hand in hand with divine architecture or do they merely exist as a fruitless thought in the brain? My thoughts are always aligned with my sobriety which always lead me to asking myself if I am currently in a situation that is best for my recovery.

Where do these thoughts come from? Some would say God - others would say your subconscious. However, a wise man once said that your subconscious is driven by a divine being bringing those thoughts to the surface. I want to believe him - I want so badly for there to be a greater power than myself. Science is a way of life but does it conquer all? What happens when all of this storytelling turns out to be a hoax? The storytelling being the bible.

I'm not a God person nor have I ever given my actions and thoughts credit to him; or whatever IT is. I'd like to think we are a product of science; that everything up to this point in time is an act of science and not an act of God. Yet I find myself pondering these questions more frequently as of late.

I don't want to admit to myself nor anyone else that there is a God because I always saw it as a sign of weakness. That I automatically distinguish myself with a certain group of people if I sway myself to one side of thinking. Maybe that is why I've always been teetering in the middle so I can stand by both beliefs and sets of people.

Maybe that is why I am at where I'm at today. Indecisive? I'd like to think not. I've always been analytical in my thinking as well as logical. Is God logical? Is an atheist logical? I don't really care. All I care is that I am positioning myself to be in a position that leads me to success. Whether that success is my sobriety or in any other aspect of my life.

I always find myself one step away from success and never able to take the next step forward. I'm trying my hardest to put myself in front of success so it finds me this time. I don't want to regret a decision or irrational choice because it kept me from achieving that success as I have always done in the past.

This leads me to the thinking if I am in a position that best fits my sobriety. Do these thoughts come from God? Or is it me overthinking and over analyzing yet again?

I am truly grateful for all the people that have set me up for success today. They believed and continue to believe in me and that leads to belief in myself. I've never been so close to death before as I was before I entered rehab for the umpteenth time. Death was knocking at the door and one more ill-informed decision would have put me in my grave.

Did God influence my decision to take the right step towards a better way of life? Or was I sick and tired of being tired? I'd like to think both but I can only continue to understand God in my life if I continue on the path I am today.

I woke up this morning with uncertainty; not towards sobriety but towards am I putting it first in my life today. If sobriety isn't my number one priority then it won't be here in the days to come. Living in today and not in the past has definitely been a challenge but the past continues to be a motivating factor towards my sobriety. Not many people have been in my shoes and I hope people are able to use my experience as to never end up where I've been. However, I know everyone has to experience what they experience to get to where they need to be in life.

I want to know that I am exactly where I need to be. I want something or someone to show me that my place right here, right now is my divine intervention. I need to know because until then I'll continue to question where I'm at today. And that's OK with me because if I am not questioning the potential success of my sobriety then I'll have a needle in my arm.

Thank you all for being here for me in this crucial moment in my life. I'm glad I am able to sit here and put my thoughts on paper. I didn't do much thinking while I was using but today I am grateful. I'm grateful for my family, my friends, and best of all grateful for my newfound way of thinking that allows me to be grateful. I love you all.