Adjustment is difficult

Creating something from nothing is no easy task. Sobriety in a way is starting something without much substance and turning it into something that has the ability to blossom into something beautiful. I know this is the beginning but adjustment from where I was to where I am now has been very difficult. In my active addiction instant gratification was the way of life. If I wanted something then I had to have it right then and there. If it wasn't attainable then I would focus on something that was. Now I don't have that luxury because good things and even better things take time to develop. I don't have much right now but I am grateful for what I do have. I have people that believe in not only me as a person but my potential as well. They have given me the ability to believe in myself. I never did when I was using. I always knew I had potential to do great things but I always sabotaged everything and anything I had going for myself. Why? I don't know but I no longer feel the need to sabotage what it is I want to accomplish. I see myself growing every day and although I might take a step back every now and then I see myself learning from those experiences as before I didn't. I see the consequences before they happen and I adapt accordingly. I take the necessary steps to create the least collateral damage possible and it begins with me. I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else. In doing so - I see that it can take care of them as well. Today I see how my actions affect others and I stay resilient to the fact that I am not perfect today; nor will I ever be. Perfect is boring - perfect is nothing more than an illusion we set for ourselves. I'm having difficulty being patient in letting things take course and not forcing them. In due time it will come to fruition and that is what is guiding me right now.

It's much easier when you're ready...

Sometimes I ponder about my past thinking about how I could have made a better decision or if the decision I made was the right choice. I won't lie to you - I haven't always made the best decisions but with each wrong decision comes knowledge to make the right decision should I be put in a similar situation. Life has its struggles and my life up to this point and been a huge struggle. The main benefactor for that struggle has been myself.

I've been my biggest obstacle and I've always failed to realize that up until today. Everything seemed so fruitless in my life because I've always blamed circumstances or other people for my failures. It was never my fault. Today I see my part in things and it makes me feel blessed to feel this way. I've pushed people away because of MY actions and people have pushed me away as well. I always blamed them for them for not being compassionate enough or being there for me when I needed them to be. Little did I know, I was by no means compassionate to them nor was I ever there for them.

I can only get back what I give to other people. I can't expect people to act a certain way when I myself aren't doing the things I'm expecting in return. It's funny that I see this now but I failed to see it then. Life experience whether good or bad has been my biggest ally - it's hard to others perspective until I am in their shoes. I can try my hardest to hypothetically see things from their perspective but it just never comes to fruition.

Today I don't need to do that because if I just be me then it won't have to be like that. Putting on a facade of someone I'm not is a very difficult thing to do but to be honest I was never comfortable with being me. I never wanted to be the person in my shoes. I don't mind being in my shoes today because I am acting as a person that I can be proud of; and in turn hopefully someone that my family and friends can be proud of to.

My life has changed for the better and I hope I can share my experience with others so they don't have to experience the things I did. Sometimes finding out the hard way is what's best for people and it definitely was for me at times. But it doesn't have to get to the point where it got with me - it can and will but it doesn't have to end up like that. We all have a choice and today I know I have the tools to make the right choice - and I will.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What really is Thanksgiving? To me, it is the culmination of sharing the day with your loved ones and stuffing your faces with so much food you can't stay awake afterwards. The latter has been my most favorite part in the past but today the former is what drives me.

Time and time again I haven't been able to appreciate the things I otherwise would take for granted. For instance - my family. I lost my family and my family almost lost me the the succumbing side effects of heroin addiction. When you are under the influence you don't take the time to think about how your actions affect others, especially the people closest to you. You act selfishly not because you want to but because you stop caring - about everything and everyone.

Caring to me was a feeling and feeling was something I didn't want to do. My coping mechanism for so long was to stick a needle in my arm and I thought that was happiness. But today I have experienced true happiness and it has never felt better.

 I have been in a rehabilitation program the last three months and it was by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to do up to this point in my life. I've been running from my past but this program didn't let me continue to do that. It made me confront my past among other things and I am truly grateful for it. Making the decision to go to a rehab that I despised only 6 years ago turned out to be the the best decision of my life.

 I wish I could explain everything I got out of the program but I wouldn't have enough space. This wasn't your traditional 12-step program and I didn't think it would work for me; boy was I wrong. A common sense guide to living was the premise. It teaches you things that I wish I had learned when I was younger - maybe I wouldn't have had to endure all the pain and misery I put myself through these past 10 years but I wouldn't change it for the world. It has turned me into the man I am today and although I am a little rough around the edges I have hope today. I have hope that I can live a life of happiness and I dictate that today. I can make the right choice and determine my future. I can do this.

Random thoughts on where I am at today with my recovery...

I wish I knew what to say right now. So much has happened in these past 12 plus months that I don't even know where to begin. I've finally entered a sober living and I've been here for the past two days. To say the last two years have been chaos is an understatement. It is such a relief that I am here and attempting to live life sober. I say attempting because nothing is concrete in recovery. I'll honestly say it has been bittersweet entering sober living due to the fact that I am leaving behind what I know. The rush I get when I push the plunger in and the heroin enters my veins is indescribable. I fantasise about that now because my body is still adjusting to not having it in it's system. I could lie and tell you I don't think about it but I do. I think about it 24/7. I also think about the fact that I have no more chances except for this one so why risk throwing away my entire life? I have one last chance before I lose my family and to be honest I don't know why they are helping me one last time.

I have said this before and I will say it again but I honestly feel this is the last chance at recovery I have before I end up in a grave. No parent should have to bury their own son or daughter and to have survived so many heroin shots that I have without overdosing is baffling. Maybe there is a bigger purpose to my life than what it is right now. Maybe there is something left for me to do. I don't know but it feels almost surreal that I am in a sober living because I honestly felt stuck in the places that I started to find myself at. I finally experienced jail; twice in 3 weeks. LA County jail is not fun and it's not a place that I ever want to be again. I will expand on that on a later post but for right now let's focus on the beginning of my recovery.

I'm currently on lockdown which means I can't leave the premises. This is for my own safety - I guess. It's been difficult saying goodbye to my friends that I have been using with because I have been through up's and down's with them these past couple of years. I've been there for them and they've been there for me. However, if they don't get sober then I can't associate with them anymore. It sucks to say that but it's best I surround myself with positive people who are serious about their recovery. Who those people are is still unknown but I do know I can befriend the right people. I did it before while I was in recovery in Pasadena when I first started this blog so replicating that shouldn't be so difficult.

I'm currently living in Capistrano Beach which is between Laguna Beach and San Clemente. The best part about being where I am is the beach is literally five minutes away. Staring off into the ocean, catching some rays, or even going surfing is better than any high I can get with a syringe filled with heroin. It may not be as euphoric but at least it's a life I can live that people respect me by. I don't know what I am going to do these next few weeks but I do know I am going to try to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I've never accomplished that before but it's what I need to do. I already have a sponsor lined up who should be perfect for me. He sponsors a close friend of mine and he said the best thing about him is he makes you think. I'm very intelligent and usually have trouble finding someone who can induce a conversation that actually makes me think so having him as a sponsor should be good for me. I hate to brag about it but when I had to see the psychiatrist at the jail and they gave me an IQ test which I scored a 142. I was told that is pretty good. Maybe that is why I feel like I am surrounded by idiots all the time.

All joking aside, I need to do everything I can in my power to not use and occupy my time with positive things that incorporate recovery. Whatever that is I am all for it because it is the only thing that will keep me from dying. I don't want to die nor do I want to make my parents go through the loss of a child. Three people have overdosed in my apartment and each time they were seconds away from dying by the time the paramedics arrived. We always were skeptical in calling the paramedics because of the consequences that might occur because of the paraphernalia, drugs, and contraband that was present. Cleaning that up was the priority - not the life on the brink of death. Seeing that first hand multiple times reminds me of all the friends that I have lost since entering recover 3 1/2 years ago. I used to be able to count them on one hand but now I can't even count them on both of my hands.

I'm excited to be back in recovery. Like I said though, it is bittersweet. Once I am over the drug malaise then I am sure that I will be all for it like I was before. Instant gratification is what I am used to and recovery requires you to be patient. I have trouble developing any kind of patience but it's necessary. I hope this anxiety goes away soon because I know a shot of heroin would take it away instantly. It would also take away everything all over again. I literally have nothing left except my two laptops, my car, and a few clothes. My puppy and cat is at my roommates house but I'm sure I'll never see them again unless he gets clean. I hope he does but I don't think he has the desire nor drive to get clean right now. He overdosed last night and luckily my friend was with him and able to call 911 or he would have been a goner. The last thing I said to him was "don't fucking take too much and overdose." I guess he didn't heed my warning.

He's safe though and I hope it was a wake up call for him. It sure was for me. Yet will it stay implanted long enough to get me to a place where using is the last thing I think about? The bad times quickly fade and my brain only remembers the good times during my using. It tells me that it's alright to have one shot; that it's alright to only use on the weekends; that it's alright to only use in the mornings. All of those events have led to using all day and all night. It lost me my girlfriend who I still miss very much. It lost me my sister who hasn't talked to me in years. My nephews are growing up without knowing who their uncle is. I hope that relationship can be rekindled but who knows. I do know that there is a possibility if I am sober but if I continue to use then it never will come to fruition.

Using heroin has been my entire life for the past year and some change. I had a severely bad habit that I had to support by selling heroin. I'll tell you all about that later but I supported myself by means of selling and business was good. Business was more than good - it was great. It all came crashing down though because I guess I was just too nice. I'm glad it did though because that life would have never ended had I continued selling. I potentially could have ended up in an even worse situation had I gotten caught selling but luckily I never did. A white boy like me selling heroin? Nah man no way. Cops never even looked my way. I could write a book on how to sell heroin and get away with it but lets not and pretend I did.

Anyways I'll be keeping this blog updated a few times a week when I feel like writing about something. This post has been so random because that is exactly where my head is at. I can't concentrate. I can't focus. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I just want it all to get better much sooner than later.

Thank you all for the support and I appreciate the kind words. Please never try any sort of drug because you'll end up just like me if not worse. Let my experience deter you away from any sort of temptation because trust me it is not worth it. You eventually lose everything.

Good things happen to those who do.

It is officially time to step out of my comfort zone. I’m an aspiring small business owner and I have continuously held myself back because of my fear of failure. Not knowing what to do has also held me back to getting started. Knowledge is attainable if you put some effort into getting it. I lackluster my way to finding out what I need to do but I never act on it. I’m an entrepreneur at heart with no credentials to my name. I’d like to think I have what it takes to make things happen. Heroin has held me back for so long and I was able to use that as an excuse. Now that the heroin is gone; what is holding me back?

I’m venturing out of my comfort zone and doing things I never have done before. I’ve been tenaciously looking for a job in the information technology sector but have had little to no success. My ideal job hasn’t jumped out to me yet and people keep telling me that I need to slow down a little bit and focus on my recovery. Financial instability pressures me into taking on this responsibility early in my recovery but I feel I am ready to tackle anything. That is the exact mentality I need to have.

I have a business idea that I have found a niche in that I know I will excel at. It is something I haven’t really done before but the past has proven that I am pretty good at what I put my mind to. I’m not necessarily bragging but rather positively reinforcing the fact that this is the mentality I need to have. I’ve been told numerous times that my ego needs to be deflated; and yes at times it does. However, I don’t see it as ego so much as confidence. At the same time I try and be humble. Is that even possible?

Humility is the driving success of my recovery right now. I stop being teachable the moment I stop being humble. I’d rather be happy than right; that wasn’t always the case. Arguing for the sake of arguing is no longer prevalent. I don’t convince you that you are wrong just because I want to be right even when I know I’m wrong. Are you picking up what I’m laying down?

I am very anxious but nervous at the same time in getting this venture started. Can I really do it? I won’t know unless I try. I’d rather fail at something then not know if I can do it. I don’t take that mentality into my sobriety. I used to but I can’t afford to be hard headed anymore. I use others’ experience as a way to pave my life today. I’ve been surrounding myself with “winners” and I’m starting to notice myself act differently and treat people with respect and dignity. At least I try my best at the time to do so. That’s all I can do. If I only can give 30% of effort that day, I will give 100% of my effort into that 30%.

Good ideas are just ideas if they aren’t acted upon. Dreams come true when you act on your ideas. If I fail then I know what not to do. If I succeed then my dreams might come true. Sobriety makes this possible.

Yet... you're eligible too.

I’ve been pressured into getting a job recently. My parents suggested I get a job and my first response was, “What’s that?” Joking aside, I’d like to think that I can handle responsibility in a much more efficient manner than I have in the past but I have yet to test this theory sober. I reserve saying anything that incriminates me but I have sabotaged my most recent jobs with incessant heroin use. My insane thinking had me believing that it wasn’t noticeable and that I was getting away with it. Being sober and seeing people in the heroin-induced coma made me realize that I wasn’t hiding anything.

I see people trying to hide their demeanor by blaming it on lack of sleep or being so busy they haven’t had a chance to just sit down to take a breather. The same shit that I would do. The ignorant people would believe me but not the people that were aware of the underground life I was living. I suffer from a physical allergy and a mental obsession. I’m powerless because of it. I will take another shot of heroin regardless of knowing that it won’t get me any higher. Thinking it will get me higher causes me to do that. My mental obsession is an overriding thought that overrides all rational thought. I couldn’t rationalize anything because heroin had hijacked my brain.

Having a job allows me to bring in a paycheck and fill my days with productivity. I can actually be a functional human being and be considered a productive member of society again. However, that paycheck has been my demise for so long that I’m worried what will come of it. Although I am in a much different place than I was while I was throwing away my money to insidious amounts of heroin, money is and always will be a trigger for me. For me to deny that is my disease creeping back into my life.

My disease is always there for me. The reason I divulge myself into all facets of this program is because I don’t know what is working the best for me. I’m not willing to find out either. I read, write, pray, talk, and fellowship every day because it’s what is keeping me sober. For me to half-ass any of these causes a loophole for my disease to latch onto and cut into the front of the line to the water slide  Once it has momentum, it’s very hard to stop.

I know it won’t always be like this in the future because people with more time than me have experienced the time where you stop trying to live sober and actually live sober. I truly believe my mental obsession has been lifted but I will continue doing the things I have been doing in order for it not to come back. And if it does, I’ll be ready for it.

I’ve never been more prepared in my life to tackle the responsibility of being quote unquote normal. I am very ambitious and have many ideas I want to come to fruition. Being sober allows these ideas to grow but being in my disease causes them to die. In the beginning, Oxycontin and heroin made me able to do anything and everything. It gave me what meth gives to speed freaks. Eventually that all went away once I started injecting. Once I stuck a needle in my arm, life kind of fell off a cliff for me.

Everything revolved around getting and using heroin; thinking, sleeping, eating, everything. I don’t really know how to explain it because it was a way of life for me. It was normal for me to get off work and go straight to my dealer’s house. It was normal for me to take a 2 hour lunch break because my dealer was running late. It was normal for me to miss work because I was dope sick. That’s the insanity of this disease. Your standard of living gets lower and lower. Luckily mine didn’t get to as low as other people have experienced; not yet at least.

Yet; you’re eligible too. My bottom doesn’t have to be as low as others’ but it can get to that point if I stop doing what I’m doing. I won’t let it get to that point because I am done living that way. I am done digging myself into a bigger and deeper hole every time. I have finally put the shovel down.

Sarcasm is hurtful.

I was told I was mean-spirited today and it really hit home. I checked my motives and in essence I was wrong; I promptly admitted it. The misconstrued perception of sarcasm in a text message can be perceived in so many ways and the illicit typically supersedes the intended projection. Why is this so? I have no idea but seeing it unravel in multiple conversations recently has given me an opportunity to take responsibility for my actions and in doing so change future ones.

Hearing that being said to me definitely put me in a sour place. It created this sense of uneasiness internally that I object to wanting to feel. Am I really mean-spirited? Or does my sarcasm get the best of me? I take light of many situations and try to get people to laugh regardless of the circumstances. I use it as a way to demonstrate my sense of humor. However, time and time again I’m seeing my sarcasm be taken out of context and in return hurt the other party.

Adversity creates opportunity. Being aware of things like this today creates opportunity to change my behavior into something I’d like to be done onto me. If I treat someone with dignity and respect, I may just get dignity and respect in return. If I don’t, I can accept that I’m in a different place than that person is. I can only control how I respond or react to someone or something. Trying to control outcomes and circumstances creates an opportunity to drink. I’ve turned my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him. Doing so has allowed me to takes things for what they are and change the things I have the power to change.

I’m sure many of you have heard the Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Accepting this was probably the easiest thing I’ve ever done but following it hasn’t. I try and practice this in all of my affairs but at times I don’t even think twice about it. I’m not too keen on praying but I’m starting to see the power of prayer work in my life.

The Dalai Lama said, “If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.” This quote has resonated with me for a very long time. When I saw that I was being perceived as mean-spirited, my subconscious memory brought this to my attention. My playful sarcasm hurt someone today and it made me sick to my stomach. I do not want to harm anyone or anything if I have the power to do so. I can only see this as an opportunity to change my future actions in how I respond or react in a sarcastic manner.

Today, I have 90 days clean and sober. This is a remarkable achievement for me because for the last 7 months I have been plagued with relapse. In the past year I have had stints of 152, 45, 33, and 50 days. This is the 2^nd time where I have had 90 days but I have done so much more work than I have done in those days combined. Something is different today and I can feel it. Other people can see it but I can feel it. It’s the most amazing feeling I have experienced thus far in my life. Being stuck in the bondage of self for so long has created many obstacles that still lie in front of me. However, being sober allows me to challenge those obstacles as opposed to being stuck in my active addiction and only adding more obstacles to overcome.

My daily reprieve allows it to be possible. I remember at day 4 of this attempt of sobriety, I was ready to die an addict death. I didn’t want to live anymore and I didn’t think anything was going to work for me. I thought I was unconstitutionally incapable of being honest with myself. I was so ready to run. However, something inside of me switched on when someone said, “Are you going to rise to the occasion? Or are you going to keel over and be a statistic?” I chose the former only to soon realize that I was also choosing the latter. I will be a statistic but if I continue to do what I’m doing then it will be a successful ending as opposed to the other hopeless cases. I miss you Danny, Josh, and Brent. You give me motivation day in and day out to fight this disease.