Never lose hope...

I've been sitting here staring at my screen for hours attempting to come up with something to write about. I think I put too much emphasis on how I write rather than what I write. I don't know why that is but I've found myself at a loss for words and that is a rare occasion. I guess I'm just in a difficult place right now mentally and writing is an escape for me because it lets me process my thoughts. Staying inside my head is definitely a red-flag indicator but it's not necessarily horrifying to me at this point because as long as I recognize it I can combat it.

Writing for me is a way to release what I'm feeling because I have a hard time sharing to other people exactly what I feel or why I feel that way. I guess you could say it has been a defense mechanism since my latter days of childhood. I don't like letting people inside my inner circle and even if you are in my inner circle I still don't fully let you in. I guess it comes down to a trust benefactor. I understand trust and communication are two main keys to relationships and without either then the relationship eventually falls to its demise.

When you make sobriety your number one priority everything has the ability to fall into place. However, you must take the next step in making them fall into place because without action then nothing can come to fruition. Sobriety to me has been much easier this time around because I've been ready to stay away from heroin. I've been ready to live a life free from drugs. Getting out of the rabbit hole was the most difficult process but now that I'm out it's been much satisfying to know I don't ever want to go back down.

Recently patience has been huge for me. I've never been a huge fan of patience because when I want something I wanted it yesterday. I don't like having to wait for things and I don't necessarily like having to work for them either. Don't get me wrong I am a very hard worker when I see value in doing so. I think that is my problem, though, as I don't put value into too many things today. I see everything as an investment. I'll put my all into something I see with long-term dividends but if I see the rewards dwindle or dwindling in the near future I eventually cease my energy towards that particular thing. Sobriety gets my full attention today and the moment I stray my attention away from it is the moment I should be worried. Today I'm not worried.

Adversity defines character.

Adversity is an absolute to life. No matter what you do or where you do it something seems to always hinder the ability to accomplish it whether it's an act outside of you or within you. I don't believe there is a force that naturally forces these upon you but I do believe any obstacle in our way is a rendition made up in our mind. Albeit, there are obstacles that are actually mandated but to overcome those there is always a process; really - there is a process to everything.

That process might create adversity but only if we let it. I am in an situation where adversity is ADVERSELY affecting my motivation and I am finding ways to combat that. Although difficult, I don't believe it will prevent me from my end-goal but I do believe that I need to weather whatever adversity I find myself facing in order to succeed and reach my goals.

Starting over with nothing is no easy task - I mean I've been in this situation multiple times now and I always seem to find a way to get back on my feet. The problem lies in sustaining what I've built but I believe in myself enough today that it won't be an issue. I don't focus on that today because I'm not there. I'm at the beginning and I am putting forth all of my energy and attention towards getting myself to the point of sustainability to test my strength and will. Test? Maybe that isn't the right word but it seems suitable today.

I am at a point in my recovery where action leads to more positive results where the exact opposite leads to a dead end. Life is defined by a sequence of events that ultimately lead up to goal being achieved or not. I've recently strayed away from setting any goals for myself because I haven't been on top of my positive mindset. I've been too focused on the self-pity part of my life thinking about where I'm at and what I've done. Focusing on the present really is difficult especially when you've gone through what I've gone through.

As difficult as it is - staying in today is a necessity for my survival. Dwelling on something that has happened in the past can and will motivate you but staying there won't. It's what I focus on today and how I will achieve the goals that I've set for myself is what my legacy will end up being. Do I want to be remembered as an individual who succumbed to the desire and pleasure of heroin? No because that is not who I am and not who my parents raised me to be.

I have a purpose in this world and whatever that purpose is I'm still trying to figure that out. It doesn't discourage me knowing that I haven't lived up to my true potential. I have plenty of time to accomplish what I want to accomplish and the great thing is I really have any opportunity in the world today. If I can conquer the disease of heroin affliction then I can conquer anything in this world. And for those that have been through addiction know exactly what I'm talking about.

Never say you'll try...say you will.

Overcoming addiction is like climbing Mount Everest without oxygen. Few people accomplish it but the thing is people can accomplish it. Seeing light at the end of the tunnel for any addict is like wearing a blindfold in the dark. The thing that is most difficult is taking off that blindfold and putting yourself in an environment where there is light.

I've tried so many times at getting clean and have failed continuously. So much failure gives someone no hope that there is a better way of life; that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can proudly say that I do finally see that light that I've been yearning to see for so long. I may only have 5 months and change of clean time but my thinking has strayed from thinking heroin is the only way to escape reality.

Reality is what two or more people perceive to be real. My reality for so long was that heroin was the end all be all for coping with my feelings. Addicts tend to be more sensitive towards almost everything and I definitely fit in that category. Why? I don't know but it's just who I am. I feel for not only myself but for everyone around me.

When I am using heroin I don't think about how my actions not only affect myself but others as well. I'm blind to the reality that people who care about me are hurting because they don't know if I will be there to celebrate Christmas, their birthday, or even just a "How are you doing?" phone call. I didn't care about what other people are feeling because my feelings are numb when I have heroin flowing through my veins.

I'm so grateful today as to where I am at in my recovery. I've let so many people down with empty and fruitless promises that I didn't even believe myself when I did promise someone something. I promised things I knew I couldn't do; or thought I couldn't do at the time. I know today I can accomplish and do anything I want to. Nothing is holding me back except myself.

Following through with what I say I'll do is very big for me today. I don't want to tell someone I will do something and then not do it. That sets me up for having it done to me. You get what you give in this world and today I believe it.

Setting myself up for success has been truly challenging because I've had to rely on others to support me through this time. I've had to build a foundation within myself and take what I've had to take in order to succeed. I am overly grateful that people have helped set me up for success even though I've burned them so many times. Today I care about not letting them down and especially not letting myself down.

I have so much to offer to people that I know I can be an asset to anyone I cross paths with. I know I can make a difference today by setting the right example. But I can only lead by example. I can't force anything upon anyone. I can only control myself in this universe and slowly but surely I'm learning to control myself to success.

Do something nice for someone today...

I was reading an article on ESPN this morning and it was stating that people love to see great people fail. Reading that really rubbed me the wrong way because I never want to see people fail no matter who they are. I want all people to succeed no matter what except when they are playing the Seahawks.

Joking aside, I don't really know why people are so negative in nature. It's almost as envy or jealousy (deadly sins that they are) drives people to be someone who deep down they really aren't. Addiction to me is one of the worst things someone can go through having experienced it first hand - and it's something I would never wish upon my worst enemy.

No one deserves to fail. No one should ever be expected to fail - and definitely not wished upon to fail either. Failure drives people forward, yes - but hoping someone fails because you merely are jealous of them is such a selfish thing. Selfishness alone (usually driven by greed) is why we as a people are in the position that we are in.

I believe change happens when you actually start taking action towards it. Anyone can say they are going to change to look good to people around them. Trust me, I've done it time and time again. But in reality, change is an action - and the only thing constant in this universe.

I've always told my family, my close friends that I am going to change my behavior. And did I? Nope. Not because I didn't want to but because my eagerness to use heroin was greater than my willingness to change. I didn't want to change because I knew if I did then my only coping mechanism I knew at the time would be eliminated or taken away from my life.

Change is one of the most difficult things to do especially when it has been a way of life for so long. Using heroin was my way of life and changing that habit started with a decision. I decided I was ready to get clean and live a much more quality of life.

I wanted to change for so long but I never had the perseverance to stick to my commitment. Being stuck in the rabbit hole didn't allow me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was so far down it that all I saw was a dark, empty space around me. And that environment didn't allow me to see that I was able to change.

As each day I remain sober passes, I find it much easier to stray my thinking away from heroin. I'll be honest - there are times where I think it would be nice to escape for a short while. But then I play the tape through and realize that short while turns into an eternity. No matter what with heroin, one time leads to an all the time thing for me.

Sobriety must be my number one priority...

Is being where you're currently at always the right place to be at that point in time? Does fate determine this? Does coincidence go hand in hand with divine architecture or do they merely exist as a fruitless thought in the brain? My thoughts are always aligned with my sobriety which always lead me to asking myself if I am currently in a situation that is best for my recovery.

Where do these thoughts come from? Some would say God - others would say your subconscious. However, a wise man once said that your subconscious is driven by a divine being bringing those thoughts to the surface. I want to believe him - I want so badly for there to be a greater power than myself. Science is a way of life but does it conquer all? What happens when all of this storytelling turns out to be a hoax? The storytelling being the bible.

I'm not a God person nor have I ever given my actions and thoughts credit to him; or whatever IT is. I'd like to think we are a product of science; that everything up to this point in time is an act of science and not an act of God. Yet I find myself pondering these questions more frequently as of late.

I don't want to admit to myself nor anyone else that there is a God because I always saw it as a sign of weakness. That I automatically distinguish myself with a certain group of people if I sway myself to one side of thinking. Maybe that is why I've always been teetering in the middle so I can stand by both beliefs and sets of people.

Maybe that is why I am at where I'm at today. Indecisive? I'd like to think not. I've always been analytical in my thinking as well as logical. Is God logical? Is an atheist logical? I don't really care. All I care is that I am positioning myself to be in a position that leads me to success. Whether that success is my sobriety or in any other aspect of my life.

I always find myself one step away from success and never able to take the next step forward. I'm trying my hardest to put myself in front of success so it finds me this time. I don't want to regret a decision or irrational choice because it kept me from achieving that success as I have always done in the past.

This leads me to the thinking if I am in a position that best fits my sobriety. Do these thoughts come from God? Or is it me overthinking and over analyzing yet again?

I am truly grateful for all the people that have set me up for success today. They believed and continue to believe in me and that leads to belief in myself. I've never been so close to death before as I was before I entered rehab for the umpteenth time. Death was knocking at the door and one more ill-informed decision would have put me in my grave.

Did God influence my decision to take the right step towards a better way of life? Or was I sick and tired of being tired? I'd like to think both but I can only continue to understand God in my life if I continue on the path I am today.

I woke up this morning with uncertainty; not towards sobriety but towards am I putting it first in my life today. If sobriety isn't my number one priority then it won't be here in the days to come. Living in today and not in the past has definitely been a challenge but the past continues to be a motivating factor towards my sobriety. Not many people have been in my shoes and I hope people are able to use my experience as to never end up where I've been. However, I know everyone has to experience what they experience to get to where they need to be in life.

I want to know that I am exactly where I need to be. I want something or someone to show me that my place right here, right now is my divine intervention. I need to know because until then I'll continue to question where I'm at today. And that's OK with me because if I am not questioning the potential success of my sobriety then I'll have a needle in my arm.

Thank you all for being here for me in this crucial moment in my life. I'm glad I am able to sit here and put my thoughts on paper. I didn't do much thinking while I was using but today I am grateful. I'm grateful for my family, my friends, and best of all grateful for my newfound way of thinking that allows me to be grateful. I love you all.

Humble pie tastes like shit....but seriously though.

The day I learned what humble meant was a truly life opening experience for me. We were halfway through our season and I hadn't thrown one interception all year. After the game in which I threw multiple touchdowns I was on cloud nine. On the ride home my father told me I need to stay humble. Having no inclination what that meant I asked him what humble meant. All he said to me was you'll see. A week goes by and I'm still dumbfounded as to what being humble meant. I would soon understand that word wholeheartedly.

My next football game I threw 5 interceptions. Immediately after the game he came up to me and said, "That is what being humble means." Ever since that day I appreciated the meaning of being humble.

Humility is a huge endeavor in sobriety because addicts tend to be prideful and hold onto that pride with our dear life. And for what reason? Pride comes before destruction.

I've been prideful time and time again. It has always led me back to the same place; a needle in my arm. Did I see it coming? Not really because my pride blinds my perception of reality. It blinds me of seeing the true value of myself, my integrity, and most importantly my character. As Martin Luther King once said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

Pride doesn't allow your true character to make the best decision for you. It discombobulates your inner self and raises unwanted confrontational feelings. Maybe this is what pride if supposed to do. Maybe it is supposed to give you the opportunity to put it aside at times of controversy so you don't make irrational choices that lead you in the wrong direction.

Everything I do today opens my eyes to the life lessons I thought I knew but actually know nothing about. It's like when you are a kid and you are watching a kid TV show. They are subtly imploring life lessons in each episode yet we fail to see it if we are looking at it as entertainment. Looking at those outside the box allows you to see what they really are.

Do I want to swallow my pride? Absolutely not. But I do know if I do then it allows me to move forward and not be forced to feel as if I'm trudging in mud or quicksand for that matter. Moving forward and staying in the present is what I am trying to do today. Old habits are hard to break but with each obstacle overcome gives me the opportunity to learn from it whether or not I handled it appropriately. It allows me to see myself in similar future occurrences and remember that swallowing my pride can bring a much more positive result than if I were to hold onto it.

Forgiveness is a trait of the strong...

It feels great. It feels amazing. This feeling of accomplishment is saturated with so much failure that I never thought I would be at this point in my life. Do I still struggle? Yes. It's not easy - it never is and never will be. However, today is different. I no longer use heroin as a coping mechanism. I no longer compound more problems stemming from my one original problem that I would otherwise turn to heroin to deal with. I reach out to people today. I make sure I am held accountable. I use the tools that I have been so greatly given by others who have done it before me. 

I am my only obstacle today and I finally see that. I always wanted to blame the ugly step-sister heroin as my obstacle but in reality it was always my choice to turn to it. It was always my decision to use it as a coping mechanism; no one forced a needle in my arm. I did harm to myself by creating obstacle after obstacle and then using those obstacles as a reason to use. Instead of immediately turning to heroin when I see something that is perceived to be unmanageable - I look for ways to conquer that obstacle and choose the best option to overcome it. 

Sobriety is a life-long marathon; and remembering that slow and steady wins the race. Instant gratification is a common theme among addicts and it is especially for me. I want the remedy to all of my problems as soon as they crop up but I now know nothing is ever immediate. Every thing worth while takes careful planning and consideration. Impulsive decisions impulsively put a needle in my arm. I know that today and before I didn't.

I love the fact that I am so much mentally stronger today. I have an entirely different mindset. I don't know why certain thoughts come to my head but I see nothing but positive affirmations in every decision I make today. People enjoy being around me because I stay positive regardless of the situation.

How is someone like me so positive when I have experienced so much failure and regret? I do it by knowing that heroin will put me in my grave. I do not know how I am alive today. Somehow, someway I'm still here today able to write this. Who knows what is working in my life but I know I am not willing to change it.